For far too long, what goes on beyond the hallowed doors of the Student Union has only been celebrated by the political elite. Now, for the first time, we bring you the exclusive minutes of your average Senate meeting. Many have died so that you, dear reader, could enjoy the privilege of this private knowledge.
9 p.m.: Meeting begins. Chairman Moldypots affirms that all are present.
9:01 p.m.: Rep. Milkycan (R-Speeler Hall) requests clarification of the term “present.”
9:02 p.m.: Moldypots explains that he means “present” as in being in attendance and not, as one would normally assume, referring to what one receives at Christmas.
9:03 p.m.: Rep. Firebrush (D-Kitch Hall) protests the use of Christmas as an analogy, arguing that not all students assembled are of the Christian faith.
9:04 p.m.: Rep. Diddledo (R-Blaflin Hall) calls Firebrush a “bra-burning, tree-hugging, leftist commie rat.”
9:05 p.m.: Rep. Firebrush and Rep. Emork (Freudian-Piles Hall) get up from their chairs and threaten to walk out of the meeting if Diddledo doesn’t apologize.
9:06 p.m.: Rep. Diddledo sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes in an overtly exaggerated and childlike manner. Firebrush calls Diddledo a Fascist-faced, Hitler-mustached clown nose. An eruption of incoherent arguments ensues between all present (as in attendance).
9:29 p.m.: Argument subsides. Moldypots suggests they break for dinner.
9:30 p.m.: Rep. Appletoe (Marxist-Cowers Hall) suggests they order a pizza.
9:31 p.m.: Rep. Fablehead (Vegan-Borrin’ Hall) disagrees, stating that the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes clearly outlines the dangers of pizza, and suggests ordering Chinese food instead.
9:32 p.m.: Rep. Diddledo accuses Fablehead of being a lactose sympathizer. Incoherent arguments ensue.
9:45 p.m.: Assembly finally agrees on pizza. Moldypots calls up and orders a pepperoni pizza.
9:46 p.m.: Rep. Fablehead demands that the pizza should be without any meat, as eating meat endorses the slaughtering of animals. Incoherent arguments ensue, and several members threaten to walk out if their requests are not met.
10 p.m.: Moldypots suggests that half the pizza be pepperoni, the other half plain. After debating and referencing the school charter, all parties agree to a pizza with one part pepperoni, one part plain, one part tofu and one part alabaster.
10:01 p.m.: While waiting for the pizza to arrive, Rep. Appletoe shares an amusing anecdote of something that happened to him that day. He ends his story with a quote from Benjamin Franklin, which no one seems to appreciate.
10:15 p.m.: All present begin reciting their favorite Ben Franklin quotes to disinterested third parties.
10:20 p.m.: All present begin reciting their favorite Simpson quotes to disinterest fourth parties.
10:45 p.m.: The assembly is awakened by the presence of the pizza boy. Pandemonium ensues as the assembly argues over who will pay for it, who gets which piece and who will pick up the tip. Fisticuffs of a highly vigorous manner ensue.
10:49 p.m.: Violent name-calling ensues.
10:50 p.m.: At this moment, the stenographer is knocked unconscious.
11 p.m.: Stenographer has strange dream involving Rhett, David Hume and an enormous jar of mayonnaise.
12:05 a.m.: Stenographer awakens and doodles a picture of Silber in a thong.
12:30 a.m.: The assembly spontaneously stops maiming each other. Silence ensues until Rep. Milkycan makes a lewd remark regarding freshman girls.
12:31 a.m.: Awkward silence.
12:32 a.m.: An eruption of laughter ensues, and everyone gets up and shakes hands.
12:35 a.m.: Brotherly embraces are exchanged and high-five slapping ensues.
12:40 a.m.: Rep. Fablehead begins a long-winded speech about America, Boston University and polyester manufacturing.
2 a.m.: Rep. Fablehead ends his long-winded speech about America, Boston University and polyester manufacturing.
2:05 a.m.: Rep. Emork begins clapping slowly.
2:06 a.m.: Rep. Diddledo stands up and starts clapping.
2:07 a.m.: Everyone present gets up from his or her chairs applauding Fablehead’s speech, except for Milkycan, who is scowling.
2:09 a.m.: Dramatically, Milkycan arises from his chair and claps loudly for Fablehead.
2:12 a.m.: Everyone stops clapping except for Milkycan.
2:15 a.m.: Milkycan stops clapping, realizing how awkward it is to be the only one clapping.
2:20 a.m.: The meeting is adjourned. Rep. Fablehead reminds everyone the next meeting is at 10:05 p.m. today.
2:21 a.m.: Rep. Firebrush threatens to walk out in protest if today’s time isn’t changed, but everyone is gone already.
2:25 a.m.: Rep. Firebrush is left standing alone, softly crying to himself.
2:26 a.m.: Stenographer softly pats Rep. Firebrush on the back.
Patrick May, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.
This is an account occasionally used by the Daily Free Press editors to post archived posts from previous iterations of the site or otherwise for special circumstance publications. See authorship info on the byline at the top of the page.
