god hates a whiner:Ladies and gentlemen … I give you Droc

I would say I hit my swearing peak when I was 19-years-old. Those four-letter words would fly out of my mouth like wildfire … because I am a dragon. Before we really get into this, I would like to make clear that I swear, not cuss. I would never cuss because the word “cuss” has an extreme backwoods flavor. Certain things can have backwoods flavor and be good like smoked sausage. Others, on the other hand, make you sound like you read at a second grade level. Think of cuss’s cousin verb “cussing.” Take out the “g” and put an apostrophe after the “n,” and you are left with “cussin’.” Now, read this line that was omitted from the movie Deliverance: “Boy, mind your cussin’.” See what I mean? Not only is that his cousin verb, but it’s also his wife. So if I was at my swearing peak at 19, that would mean I started swearing at an early age, right? Sure. You could blame my potty mouth on my strong anti-war sentiment during the first Gulf War because, believe me, war does bring out the worst in human nature. Then again, you could also blame it on my extreme rage created by my inability to get past King Hippo in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Sidenote: After I eventually defeated King Hippo I thought if I punched people in the stomach, their pants would automatically fall off … I was right. But the reality is that because most adults have no adult friends (sad), my dad resorted to taking me to all the R-rated movies he wanted to see. Did it make him cool? Yes. Good Parenting? Suspect. I found that the swear words I learned at the picture shows made me sound tough. I wasn’t going around wearing a leather coat, popping the collar and then flipping people off by any means. But since I feel I have just described the PG-13 version of the Fonz, I guess that would have made me pretty awesome. I was now aware, however, that there were more powerful ways of calling someone a “Poop face” or telling some of my friends that they were in fact not born out of wedlock. In addition, I slowly developed a penchant for gesticulating wildly while speaking in a slight New York/Italian accent. Oh my God, I was the PG-13 Fonz. Those were the days, but you know what, as days turned into nights, months into years, and chicken into salad, I have grown tired of swearing. There are only so many combinations I can use with the few resources I have. But I am on a mission: save swearing. How? I have started the “Save Swearing, You Sons a’ Bs!” campaign. Why? Because I feel that since swearing has been around longer than I have, I owe something back to the struggling institution that has made me so freaking cool. The first goal of my campaign – unveil a brand new swear word. Now, you may think creating a good swear word would be easy – just get a couple consonants, a vowel, add yeast and bam – swear word. But it’s not easy. It’s hard. Real hard. Shut up. To accomplish my goal I had to think of my favorite swears – all of which deal with different kinds of bodily functions, both internal and external – and create a word accordingly. After extensive research, I came to the conclusion that though we have swears for both the excretion of waste products and human reproduction, we do not have a swear that deals with the way our body attempts to cool itself. My conclusion: Sweating is gross and deserves its own expletive. So without further ado, I introduce you to new swear word on the block: Droc. Four letters, it oozes disgusting and it is bad. It’s really bad. It’s so bad that I can’t believe you are seeing it in print! I’ll say it again, Droc. One more time, Droc. Ah hell, Droc. In fact, Droc meet hell, hell meet Droc. Now fight. Droc wins because hell has no chance when compared to the power that is Droc. And yes, the “D” in Droc is always capitalized. At this point, you may be a bit confused as to how Droc is going to mold itself into the lexicon. Well, as the founder of the “Save Swearing, You Sons a’ Bs!” campaign I have taken this into consideration and below is a sample from our Droc pamphlet, which my street team will be distributing within weeks. Here are just a few ways you can use this disgusting, vomit-inducing word – a word that should be censored at all times. I have also included the reactions people may have when they hear Droc.

Droc as a verb: “Hey, I am going to the YMCA to get a message and Droc a little. You coming?” I can’t believe that guy just said that! Droc as a gerund: “Droccing is so fun!” What a weirdo! Droc in relation to animals: “That’s a bunch of horseDroc.” HorseDroc is the worst kind of Droc.

See, Droc is just the beginning for us (me) here at the “Save Swearing, You Sons a’ Bs!” campaign. I am trying to gain the support of both the United Way and the National Basketball Association, so you can see that I mean business. Next on the agenda – a word for bellybutton lint. Is that something you want to miss? Don’t you want to tell your future children you were a part of something? I’ll see you at the next meeting. Free cookies after.

Seth Reiss, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.