Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series of the year, the clash of the titans, the Red Sox vs. the Yankees. In this final weekend of regular season baseball, the Sox and Yanks will decide the American League East at the ol’ ballpark, but we here at the ol’ Free Press offer a best-of-five Battle Royale. Let’s get it on!
Round 1: Curt Schilling’s bloody ankle faces off with Randy Johnson’s face in a “Most Busted” bout. Let’s be honest: Schilling’s ankle saved a season. 1-0 Red Sox.
Round 2: Johnny Damon faces off against the entire New York starting nine in a “hair off.” Due to the Yanks stringent “no facial hair” policy, Damon wins by a beard’s length. 2-0 Red Sox.
Round 3: In the urination contest, Manny Ramirez and the Green Monster take on Jorge Posada and his right hand. Ramirez fails to run to the Monster, though, allowing Posada to squeeze out a win. 2-1 Red Sox.
Round 4: In a titanic matchup, David Ortiz and Alex Rodriguez meet for MVP rights. Ortiz takes an early lead, but A-Rod slaps him off the baseline, giving the Yanks the series-tying win. 2-2 tie.
Round 5: In the deciding event, Boston and New York put their fans’ IQs on the line. Sadly, the test ends in a draw, with Toronto somehow beating both cities. 2-2 tie, Blue Jays 1.
Round 6: In the extra frame, the teams compete in a “Most Players Appearing at the Student Village” contest. And thanks to Mark Bellhorn – who was released by the Sox and picked up by the Yankees – the Bombers win the series, 3-2. Let the Curse of the Bellbino begin.
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