It’s been a few days. Reality is starting to set in and I can see things have changed. These next few weeks will be different. How frighteningly different they would be I could never have imagined.
It’s mid-October and the Red Sox are not playing the Yankees in the American League Championship Series. Worse than that, neither team is playing at all. They’ve both gone home, destined to “wait ’til next year.”
At first, I thought maybe neither team advancing was a good thing. I’m rather busy with schoolwork right now, so the added distraction of a playoff race would not be helping my grades. Now if only America’s Next Top Model would go off the air.
In addition to that, people’s feelings got hurt last year. When the Yankees were up 3-0, their fans were rubbing it in the Sox fans’ faces. Then the Sox fans returned the favor after each of the next eight games. I told myself that Boston University and the Northeast Corridor of the United States in general will be a much happier and less confrontational place than it has been the past two Octobers.
But things haven’t been that peachy, nor have they been peary, orangey or appley either. No fruit-related adjective could describe the situation. Grapefruity might be the closest you can get because it’s sour, but I am quite partial to grapefruit, thus ruining the necessary negative connotation.
Everyone here has this pent-up aggression needing to be released. They’ve stockpiled all this vindictive energy for precisely this time of year, but now there is nowhere for it to go. Instead of yelling at televisions and denying our opponents service at respectable institutions like Jamba Juice, the fans are arguing vehemently over petty differences. This scene erupted on my floor just the other day: “Hey, guys, look at this kid. He’s gonna shower using Irish Spring soap. That’s so lame.”
“Irish Spring has been the classiest soap since it was introduced in 1972. It’s much better than your worthless Lever 2000.”
“Irish Spring hasn’t won the National Soap Award since 2000.”
“But it has won more National Soap Awards than any other bar.”
“Yeah, well, when you’re owned by the Evil Empire, Colgate, you can afford to buy off those judges.”
“There you go with that Evil Empire crap again. Just because we’re good businessmen and are part of a mega conglomerate that will rake in more profits, our soap is somehow tainted. The next thing you’re going to tell me is that No Doubt’s best CD was Return of Saturn.”
“It was a big step forward for them.”
“Everybody knows that Tragic Kingdom was, is, and forever will be the best thing No Doubt has ever done.”
And on and on it went until a full-scale gang war ensued. It had it all: choreography, snapping, a Puerto Rican named Bernardo, everything. I tried to play it cool, but it was just too hard.
Now Commissioner Selig, I know you are reading your copy of The Daily Free Press while digesting your morning dose of Fruity Pebbles and Ensure, and I implore you to do something.
The Northeast cannot survive the winter without some sort of playoff between these two teams. Why don’t we have a losers’ bracket? There’s no clear third or fourth in the American League now. The White Sox are first and the Angels are second, but how do we know who is third and who is fourth? The Red Sox and Yankees can’t tie for anything. Even when they both had the exact same regular season record, the Yanks were given the AL East title.
It may seem insignificant now, but this crisis will escalate. Folgers versus Maxwell House, Sesame Street versus Fraggle Rock, Ruben versus Clay, shirts versus skins (OK maybe that one wouldn’t be all bad): Life as we know it will crumble in the face of unending competition.
And why is it that competition is so important to us? Why do we raise our children to embrace these rivalries and hold prejudices against people who cheer differently? I am afraid to bring a life into this world if he’ll be persecuted for the Triceratops being his favorite dinosaur or she’ll be ridiculed for not wanting to say hello to Kitty. Things need to change before I produce someone that will perpetuate this system.
So, please, hear my plea, Bud. The well-being of millions of people relies on what you choose to do in this hour of dire need. Especially me, because I happen to prefer Zest.
Bobby Kennedy is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences.
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