Hell yeah, America, it’s Winter Olympics time! An event that occurs every four years that allows me to laugh at ice skaters crying; watch people ski, then shoot a gun; and hum a cool theme song while I do mundane tasks like degreasing the drip pan of my Foreman Grill. But the best thing about the Olympics is that it provides Americans with the opportunity to gloat about beating other countries, regardless of whether we have ever watched the sports, or whether we were alive when the victories occurred.
Did you watch when we beat those Commies at Lake Placid in ’80? Nope. Me neither. But that doesn’t stop me from rubbing it in my Russian-born great-aunt’s face. “Hey Aunt Mary,” I say in a mocking tone. “Remember when Eruzione schooled Myshkin in the third?” All she can do is weep into her bowl of borsch. It never gets old.
Sportsmanship, camaraderie, world unity and all that metaphorical crap is all well and good, but nothing is better than knowing that your country reigns supreme in ski jumping, luging or some other sport you didn’t know existed until you stumbled home last Friday morning and accidentally put on MSNBC because in an attempt to make a Hot-Pocket you mistook your TV for a microwave.
Trouble is, my beloved stars and stripes aren’t doing as well as I had hoped. Sure, we’re in second in the medal count, but second is the first loser. And while losing at math and science is acceptable, losing my three-team bobsled parlay is not. What’s the reason for this poor showing? Is it because Bode Miller is as about as steady on skis as Sonny Bono? Maybe it’s because Lindsay Jacobellis is a showboating jezebel. What about the fact that the U.S. hockey team has a handful of guys old enough to play in rocking chair leagues? Or perhaps it’s just difficult to score performance-enhancing drugs in the Olympic Village.
No, those aren’t the reasons. I know the real reason, and so does Bryant Gumbel. A few weeks back, Gumbel revealed why America has failed to completely own the Winter Olympics. On his HBO show, Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, he said, “Try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention.” After I looked up what “paucity” meant, I realized he’s right. America isn’t doing well in the Olympics because we don’t utilize our black population.
Of course, Mr. Gumbel was criticized for revealing what we’ve always known: that America has the best black people to cold weather ratio on the planet. Once we acknowledge this, we can recruit black people to partake in the few remaining sports white people are good at, and then beat everyone else in the world at them. You’re a true patriot, Mr. Gumbel, and with your knowledge the U.S.A. is going to kick ass come time for the Vancouver games.
Everyone knows black people are superior athletes. Hell, Hitler engineered a whole race of people for the ’36 Olympics and Jesse Owens single-handedly rocked them. If one black guy beat an entire race of genetically-enhanced athletes, what do you think a whole group of black people will do to a bunch of uncoordinated whities? I mean, like Mr. Gumbel said, these people in the Olympics aren’t exactly the best athletes.
Take speed skating for example. I’m pretty sure Shani Davis was the first black person to ever try the sport, and he won a gold medal in Torino. Beginner’s luck, or being black? Mr. Gumbel and I know the answer — do you? Besides, speed skating is basically running track on ice. Throw some blades underneath the feet of Justin Gatlin or Marion Jones and watch the gold medals just roll in.
How about ice dancing? I think we’d have that on lockdown as well. Think some fancy-pants Norwegian named Hansel wearing a pink leotard with a feather boa is going to out-step the people on Soultrain or that other dance show hosted by the skinny kid from Kenan and Kel? I doubt it, my friends. I seriously doubt it.
Then there’s my favorite Olympic sport — curling. It’s the event where people hurl heavy stones down the ice. I’ll admit I don’t listen to rap music very often, but when I have, I’ve heard various references to guys “slagin’ rock” and “pushin’ weight.” Sounds like the type of people that would be perfect for curling. Let’s sign them up!
I can’t believe how blind we’ve been. How could we have possibly thought that we could win athletic competitions without black people? That’s tantamount to trying to win in Monopoly without cheating. I know, stupid us. But thanks to Bryant Gumbel we have seen the error of our ways. With black people on our side, America will completely dominate the 2010 Winter Olympics — the way the ancient Greeks intended.
Brian Fudge, a sophomore in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at bfudge@bu.edu.
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