POITRAS: Becoming a trendsetter, one unzipped fly at a time

Are you wearing pants right now? If yes, do me a favor and check your fly. Is it zipped? If not, you may be a slight idiot, like me.

Recently I’ve been completely forgetting to zip up my fly. I don’t know why — it’s something I’ve been pretty good at since I was 6 or so — but in the past few weeks my front door has frequently been wide open when it should have been closed hours before.

My problem has raised a few eyebrows, including those of yours truly. I don’t think I’m old yet, but once in a while I get a little freaked out that my brain no longer cares about the rest of me. How could I forget such a simple thing as habitual for me as tying my shoes or leaving the toilet seat up?

Another important issue raised by my unzipped jeans concerns the reactions and attitudes people have upon encountering a man with pants only a button away from absolute collapse and full exposure. People often see me with my fly down, and I wonder what percentage believe I just came from the restroom, or how many think I must have rushed to class after a quick afternoon tryst with a sexy Unzipperer? Or do they all think I just forgot to zip from my morning pants application?

When I see people with their flies down, the first thought to go through my brain is, “What an idiot loser.” I know it’s hypocritical, but come on — it’s a stupid fly. Who forgets to zip up such an easy thing to zip? Me, that’s who.

Personally, I try not to think about why someone has an unzipped zipper. It’s none of my business, and as long as nothing falls out and waves at me, I don’t consider it that big a deal. But if I don’t consider it a big deal when others let the breeze in, why am I so concerned about my own bad habit?

Maybe my lack of zipping isn’t a problem, but a blessing in disguise. Since birth we’ve been told to zip our flies, and as a consequence our society now believes sporting a lowered fly is a bad thing. My whole life I’ve been informed to “XYZ ASAP,” and whenever I hear that phrase of letters I cringe in embarrassment. (For those of you who don’t know, to XYZ is to “examine your zipper.”)

Well, no more, I say! If you look past the social stigma, one can find nothing technically or morally wrong with a downed fly. Therefore, it should be accepted as a new way to wear pants. Zipped or Unzipped – it’s your choice, and either choice is perfectly fine. I bet people are already doing it in the liberal and trendy parts of Europe.

I’m positive women will learn to find a downed fly quite sexy on a man, if they don’t already. It will be cleavage for men. Unzip your fly, and keep the ladies guessing. “Will something slip out?” she’ll wonder. “Does he know he has full pant cleavage right now? How intriguing . . . ”

If all men start unzipping their flies and leaving them down, we’ll finally get the respect we deserve for such an act. Instead of women reminding us where their eyes are, men will now have to tell the ladies to stop looking down. From now on, people won’t say “XYZ, ASAP,” but rather, “Ooh, that’s damn sexy, so now that guy’s damn sexy.”

With our flies constantly unzipped, men will save precious seconds in both the bathroom and bedroom. If there’s a small fire, those seconds could make the difference between who pees on the fire and lives, and who pees on the fire and gets burned. No one will have to worry about accidentally getting an object caught in the zipper’s teeth, because the teeth will never close. If everyone leaves their flies down it will no longer be an embarrassment, but a welcome feeling of airiness. It will also be one less thing to worry about.

What are the cons to having your zipper down, anyway? Something might jump out if given the chance, but if you properly wear your undergarments, it shouldn’t be a problem.

So dudes, keep the flies down with pride. Girls, you know it’s sexy. And don’t think I’m only encouraging you to unzip your fly because I’m constantly caught with my own zipper down, and I just don’t want to be embarrassed anymore. If you think that’s the reason, you can go zip your mouth shut.

Zack Poitras, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at zpoitras@bu.edu.