When Ms. Ledner, along with our friend Joe, proposed we hold a ‘cleanse off,’ it seemed like a good idea. I had just read about Gwenyth Paltrow’s detox regimen on her enlightening GLOOP.com blog, and a cleanse seemed like a healthy thing to do in the midst of studying for midterms. Not to mention, it would help in preparing my bangin’ spring break bod (obviously my thong is already packed for the beaches of Miami).
Joe was the first to start his cleanse, a strictly liquid diet nearly a week before Tiffany and I were to begin. And, in my defense, considering Joe was still consuming grilled cheese, vodka drinks and cigarettes at the Eastern Standard at 1 a.m. the day his cleanse was to begin, I take much offense to the moniker ‘Charlie the Cheat.’
With that said, Joe did remarkably well. He made it through the week and even soberly watched me and my friend Nikki consume a T. Anthony’s pizza on Friday night.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t as successful. For my cleanse, I was going to allow myself as much raw food as I wanted, plus some oil and vinegar for salads, which online detox ‘experts’ deemed appropriate. I purchased an assortment of fruits and vegetables (and some unsalted nuts, my favorite), so that I would have plenty to feast on.
To cut a not-so-long story short, I lasted 48 hours. As my empty belly and I cruised the pages of Google Tuesday evening to further research my diet, I stumbled upon a pro-anorexia website that promoted similar eating habits. I quickly made the executive decision that it wasn’t worth omitting cheeseburgers from my diet for 10 days just for whiter eyes and better skin. I immediately called MUSE editor Christine to bring me home a turkey sub.
Even after only two days, my stomach was so empty that eating my Subway sandwich felt like pebbles being dropped down an empty well. I felt shameful for cleansing for such a measly amount of time, but I only had to deal with my guilt for three hours, until I received a call from Tiffany to tell me she was going to order pizza.
If anything, my two day cleanse taught me how much willpower it takes to accomplish something like this. I can’t even begin to imagine how Lindsay, Mary-Kate, et al. can survive on cigarettes, vodka and leaves of lettuce ‘-‘- OK, maybe I can imagine surviving on vodka, but still, staying on board the ‘rexi taxi’ is serious work.
Look at Beyonc’eacute; ‘-‘- the girl had the stamina to do the freakin’ Master Cleanse. All she consumed for ten days was a mix of water, lemons, cayenne pepper and honey to achieve her waifish figure for ‘Dream Girls.’ That truly is ‘thinspiring.’
If I were to attempt to cleanse again, or try any fad diet for that matter, I think it would definitely be best to follow in the footsteps of the likes of Toby Maguire or Christian Bale and just gorge myself on meat and go lift weights.
It would be delicious, and although I currently can only bench press about 100 pounds, I’m sure if I chowed down a few filets and ran to FitRec, I could find a meathead to spot me while I work on building my dream body. In fact, I’ll go post a personal ad on Craigslist now for anyone who’s interested in helping. We can hit up the new UBurger after we lift and then see where the night takes us . . .
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