PINION: Peering into the future with Randy

Editor’s Note: Due to an unfathomably bizarre accident involving a speeding DeLorean and Christopher Lloyd, Randy was flung eons into the future last week. Until Lloyd can work out how to undo the error (he suspects it’ll take about 1.21 gigawatts), a Randy hurled back from the end of time will fill in on Pinion’s Opinions. Please pardon his neon green hair and cat-shaped glasses; that’s how people dress in the future.

Well, dear readers, I never thought I’d say this, but the century’s looking pretty boring right now. In fact, 2009 is the most peaceful, bland year I’ve ever encountered. But I guess you guys don’t know about that yet.

Wait a second – you might not know, but I do! Oh man, space time, prepare to be torn apart by dozens of paradoxes! Dear readers, kick back and get ready for a very important missive from the future. Just let me get my reading cat on so I can make out what my notes say.

First, you’ll be glad to know that the recession eventually lifts. In fact, it will break next year when a megacorporation formed by the merger of the world’s remaining profitable companies (McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, Microsoft and Tractor Supply Company) buy the United States and assumes all its debt. With their new national tagline, ‘Welcome to McWalsoft, Y’all,’ McWalsoftans will welcome the world’s poor to their country, creating a powerful manufacturing and consumer economy that will remain strong well into the 2300s, when humanity will dissolve nations entirely in favor of a political system based on local sports teams.

Also, as boring as 2009 is, be glad to live now rather than in 9817, when a freak cake reactor accident (in the 99th century, well-preserved Twinkies will power human endeavors) drenches a construction crew in radioactive filling, creating a ravenous horde of repairman zombies who roam the world seeking ‘craaaaanes.’ Luckily, a dashing young scientist and a too-pretty reporter will team up and lure them to a Home Depot and nuke the entire site from orbit – that’s the only way to be sure.

Of course, zombies are nothing compared to 2892, when Earth Hour will be an international celebration for which the entire world darkens for 60 minutes at 8:30 p.m. ABT (Atlanta Braves Time). On that fateful March night, the toaster-faced people of Appliantioch VII will invade Earth to stop what they think is an electronics genocide.’ Without cars to help evacuate the major cities (flying cars won’t actually be invented until the 50200s) or laser rifles for protection, people around the world will team up and fight off the aliens with nothing but slingshots and rolling logs, Ewok-style. Afterwards, they will renounce all ongoing wars to honor the fallen, finally ending the war on terror and bringing our troops home from Iraq.

For a bit of financial advice, I recommend that you all invest heavily in Apple and Johnson & Johnson (manufacturers of K-Y Jelly). I don’t want to go into too many details, but suffice it to say that iPods keep on getting smaller, and three years from now, the Transportation Security Administration will officially ban ‘fun things’ from all commercial flights in the United States. It turns out that a lot of people will go to surprising lengths to listen to ‘Past Masters, Volume 19: The Jonas Brothers’ Greatest Hits’ on the plane.

Following Bill O’Reilly’s well-publicized 2019 marriage to Anderson Cooper, Fox News will be forced to admit that its whole network was, in fact, a huge joke all along. The fallout from this announcement will be terrible: Sean Hannity will leave the network in a huff, claiming he never even f—ing knew, and within months, Comedy Central will axe ‘The Daily Show,’ citing a lack of new material. Unfortunately, I must report that as of the end of time, it appears that The New York Post is being completely serious (fun fact: The Post will outlive The New York Times by about five millennia).

Oh, about the end of the world – turns out that whole Mayan ‘end of the world’ thing that your weird friend keeps sending you forwarded emails about is mostly right. At midnight on Sunday, Dec. 23, 2012 (when the traditional Mayan calendar stops), Activision Blizzard will close down ‘World of Warcraft’ after 4,000,000 abandoned wives and bosses petition Congress to outlaw things more interesting than family life and office jobs.

The actual end of the universe will come right at 4:17 p.m. on Buttday (the Intergalactic Human Empire’s ‘Name a Day’ contest will end on an unfortunate note), July 7, 18378034010. Jesus will return, realize he left the lights on that whole time and guiltily shut them off before going to bed.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, dear readers, I’ve got some Twinkies to bury – I’ll be rich when I get back to the future!