METCALF: Don't forget the card

Please, women, do not read this column; it may ruin welcome surprises. With Valentine’s Day coming up and me being the romantic, thoughtful guy that I am, I would like to take this opportunity to give less romantic men out there a few pointers about how to treat a woman on Valentine’s Day.

First, it is a real holiday in their minds. Don’t call it a “Hallmark holiday” or fake or stupid, because girls really do like this holiday. If you don’t yet have a valentine, ask someone you like and make sure you do it soon. Valentine’s Day can be especially lonely by yourself, so they’ll probably say yes and give you a shot, even if you are just acquaintances.

Do buy them a card. Make sure the card is romantic or funny and reflects something the two of you have shared together. Add a personal hand-written note to it. Not just, “love [name],” but something like “your smile keeps my heart warm” or “making you happy always brings a smile to my face.” If you’re not in a relationship or don’t really want to be, don’t get too sappy, but definitely write something. Girls keep cards forever. They’ll read the note more than once and it will remind them how thoughtful you are.

Also, they expect you to do something even if they haven’t talked about it with you. So make plans. If you’re thinking about taking her out to a restaurant, make a reservation today. Thoughtful guys have already made their reservations and there are very few left, so get on that, procrastinators. If you have made a reservation or are about to make one, be sure to find out if it’s a prix fixe menu or not. Most high-end restaurants will do a prix fixe menu on Valentine’s Day, which is normally three courses at a set price, and is priced between $60 to $120 per person. This may be out of your price range; if so, look for a lower-key restaurant. Don’t worry about spending a lot of money &- girls are rarely impressed by how much money you spend. Find somewhere that she will like that you can afford. Even if the food isn’t good, she’ll still appreciate you taking her out &- and, of course, the card.

If you’re really trying to impress this girl, or just get laid, think about how to seamlessly convert dinner into hanging out at your place. Suggest a movie &- I’ve done some research and noticed that “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” is on USA Network at 8:30 p.m., and “The Holiday” is on TBS at 8 p.m. I recommend picking one of these and getting a bottle of champagne. Use the commercials to learn more about her or make your move. If your girl doesn’t like chick flicks, the Winter Olympics are also on. Be easy, be funny and make sure you get your sloppy roommates out of the way. Nothing is less romantic than coming home from a fancy dinner and seeing your asexual roommate eating potato chips and watching basketball. C—block guarantee.

If you want to get really romantic, surprise her. This works best for people who have been in long relationships. When I was in Paris last semester, I had the hotel staff sprinkle rose petals around the room, play soft jazz and have a bottle of champagne on ice when my girlfriend and I got back from dinner. I mean, it’s not manly, but I have 364 other days to be manly. It was romantic and my girlfriend loved it.

Ultimately, the goal on Valentine’s Day should be to make your valentine feel special. This can be done in a variety of ways, so make it uniquely yours, but be romantic. Valentine’s Day got its start in mid-17th century England when romantics showered their loves with poems. These poems have more or less evolved into today’s cards. So, don’t forget the card. And if you can, send your mother flowers; after all, she’s probably still the most important woman in your life.