So it’s already expected that this Halloween you are going to bump into a thousand Snookis, and Situations, and the classic trying to be sexy but failing hot nurse, hot cop, hot airline attendant and what not.
Boys are either going to try to be funny with fake muscles in their Superman and Batman outfits or actually trying to show off their muscles by looking like shirt-less convicts or fantasy Bob the Builders.
Truth is, girls, the sexier you try to be, the less you will be, and guys, for once don’t try to be funny and leave your elementary school Halloween costume ideas at home.
Most people think they have to be something or someone on Halloween, it’s OK for you to actually use your imagination and spare yourself $40 on those cheap looking costumes you were going to buy online.
Still don’t get what I mean? I’ll help you. Key word- accessory. Notice the singular accessory not to be mistaken with the-so-many-accessories-you-look-like-a-Christmas-tree. A special simple mask will give you the look for half the money you were going to spend on that Buzz Lightyear suit, or that slutty-sailor dress. And the mystery is just so sensual.
OK fine. Say you hate masks, they get in your way, mess up your hair, and you’re claustrophobic. Make-up your mask. Literally. Just paint a streak across your eyes. It’s not that hard and you’ll save all that I-don’t-know-what-to-be-panic time.
Yes this year is special. Halloween is on a Sunday which means, well, it means there’s a chance you have already started celebrating it and still have four more nights of more partying. But it also means you have to think of more costume ideas, and don’t you dare go to the Garment District thinking you’ll be inspired by something. Please, I beg you don’t go to the Garment District, I’m getting sick just thinking about the sweaty cheap smelling chaos in that store, even if the people there are nice: Not worth it. Go to a vintage store that’s probably cheaper.
So you’re really ambitious and into this whole elaborate costume thing, I get it. Actually I don’t but I still have more ideas for you. Feathers! No not classic stupid angel feathers or the ones you stick in your hair trying to be Pocahontas. Huge mother***** ass feathers like the Phoenix in Kanye West’s new movie that seems to never end yet that you can’t stop watching. That creature would be a good costume. Just the wings I mean, not the whole naked thing. There’s too much of that going on already. Which reminds me, your underwear is not a costume!
And sure, if you’re still trying to be sexy, you can always cover yourself in some dark transparency. Don’t get what I mean? I mean don’t wear short shorts and tight cleavage-showing tang-tops. Wear something that perhaps has long sleeves or even goes down to your feet, but that is transparent, kind of. No that’s not an excuse to go naked under it. It’s an excuse to wear black simple yet chic underwear you bought but never had the opportunity to show it off. Unless you actually slept with that guy you told me you hadn’t.
Boys, you can’t really do that, but please don’t be any kind of comic book super hero, or vampire or sumo wrestler. You have to be either peeing-in-my-pants-you’re-so-funny, or you actually have to look hot.
This Halloween be something that doesn’t exist, and if people ask you what you are, and don’t get your just being cool and different, well, tough. You can always reply with the clich?: “I can be whatever you want me to be.”
After all, what the hell do you care? It’s Halloween.
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