EMMETT: Things I See That Make Me Sad

The scene at the on campus café is a predictable one. The music falls into an obscure, folk genre that the Neanderthal man making your coffee knows all the words to. There’s someone wearing a cardigan with tooth toggles gnawing their TA’s ear off about a dissertation on women’s eating habits in antebellum America. What? But let’s be honest. If you didn’t care the littlest bit about looking cool, you’d go home for lunch. You staked out this bagel hut for a reason and you’re getting the Turkey Avocado to stay.  No one pays $7 for a sandwich without an ulterior motive.

And so, every time I go to this place I tell myself it’s the last time. My bank account is depressing enough without daily charges for a “Tequila Sunrise, Xtra Bacon.” The cashier thinks my name is Cody and I leave smelling like a dirty egg crate. Not to mention, I see the customers doing the same things there that upset me. Someone needs to tell these people to move on – or at least go down the street to Scoozi.

As promised, things that make me sad in the coffee shop:

1. The person who didn’t bring anything to do. This isn’t Europe. You can’t get away with eating a croissant, twirling your mangy mustache and still maintaining your cool (that goes for women too). You have to plan ahead. That vacant look in your eyes is making other people feel uncomfortable. Laptops and iPods are an easy, expensive means to appear like a less useless human being. You could be playing Snood, as long as you do it with purpose. If you bring a book, make sure it’s not a weirdly thick Stephen King. No one expects you to read that much and your dodgy eye movements aren’t helping.

2. The person who watches other people. Coffee house crushes are the jam. Instead of writing about them later on “Missed Connections,” throw everyone watching a bone and approach your crush. After some mild stalking, you’ve already established that you share the same lunch break and her favorite tea is Jade Oolong. Plus, a café is the only place on earth where you’re warranted to use the line “Care for a teabag?” without offending her. If she doesn’t get it, walk away. She’s high maintenance and will make you DVR “Mad Men.”

3. The old man. There’s always one. He’s there everyday and is probably reading a Polish-English dictionary for no apparent reason. I’m not even sure he orders anything. It’s unlikely that this crypt keeper is part of the Evergreen Program so don’t get too close. In five minutes he’ll start referencing a conversation you never had together last week.

4. The academic think-tank. The on-campus café in a breeding ground for awkward encounters and really important professor-on-professor discussions. If you see a group of scholarly types hamming it up about Hemmingway’s sexual orientation, never interrupt them. You’ll be at the mercy of an academic roid rage fueled by espresso and years of misunderstanding. If your professor invites you to join them, accept with the understanding that your input will be considered irrelevant and “cute.”

5. The failed pickup. It’s so hard to watch and it happens all too often. An intellectual sits hunched over his small, ironic table. From my seat I can see him become flustered as his petite female counterpart approaches his table.

“Meredith,” he gulps, “You . . . uh . . . never came to Drew’s Primordial Space Party.”

Is he winning or what? After noticing her lack of enthusiasm, he tries to redeem himself by complimenting her moon ring. Unfortunately, the now reddish hue on her ring suggests Meredith is annoyed. And menstruating. Good luck buddy.

6. The girl with an instrument. It makes me sad because I’m assuming she plays it in the subway. Also, the instrument case is usually oddly shaped which means she was going for alternative but instead is looking at a long line of low-wage gigs. Can she play that with her feet?

If you’re wondering, as a newbie to the café spot I fell into the “person who watches other people” sector. Then, to fit in, I bought a Moleskine and pretended to like the art hanging on the walls. I still order “Xtra Bacon” – I don’t want to appear inconsistent in front of my peers.

Kacy Emmett is a senior in the College of Communication and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached atkcemmett@bu.edu.