EMMETT: The End of an Error

U

pon the close of each semester, I become the sunken eyed, hygienically questionable version of myself. I crawl into a cave and don’t emerge until I’ve finished the 17 papers and presentations due before finals. Just kidding. Please, I’m human, not Hermione. I literally do everything in my power to avoid assignments and constantly give in to the urge to watch Ryan Gosling take his shirt off on YouTube. If I don’t graduate it’s not because I stumbled over the emblem in Marsh Plaza, but rather because I ate myself into a cheese coma before finals and woke up in July.

As each semester grinds its way to the end and discussions become irrelevant, I habitually commit the same error – procrastination. I can’t focus because I find the low, steady murmur of sexting in the library distracting. Studying in a café is a no-go because I’ll end up over-caffeinated and talking to a nearby stranger about a cool Tumblr I’ve been staring at for six hours. I watched the entire Victoria’s Secret fashion show online instead of writing an annotated bibliography. This proved detrimental to how I feel about the length of my torso. It was a new low; I had chosen cleavage over research.

So, when you find yourself in this slump of procrastination because the amphetamines are running thin be wary of several symptoms:

1. Cleaning. You were okay with the dust creature in your room last week. All of a sudden you’re on a rampage to fight fridge mold and sink residue. Granted, you would have never found your hat behind the TV if you had chosen to do reading instead. Cleaning to avoid studying only exposes gross reminders of the four-month binge you just finished. Also, your hands will smell like Clorox and make the inside of your nose burn.

1. Blogging. This includes reading blogs that you normally find mindless and clicking through to the other blogs they recommend. Nine Blogspots, five WordPresses, and three StumbleUpons later you’re recommending GOOP to friends. Who are you?

1. Working out. Wait, no.

1. Online shopping. Pajama Jeans are exactly what you need to tackle finals. “ABSTORM” fitness video?! Add to cart.  It’s not like you’re shopping for yourself. The holidays are coming and your family needs to see how legitimate your giving is. Nothing says “I love you” like denim sweats and a VHS tape.

1. Netflix. Never thought you’d watch all of the “Suggestions for you,” but there you are watching a foreign film about voyeurism. Netflix is my third favorite technological contribution, just behind “Words with Friends” and NuvaRing.

Other activities include taking care of any stray facial hair that’s gone rogue on your upper lip and calling your mom. Turns out, both are painless and necessary.

I supposed now a farewell is in order. The original title of this column was “Word Vomit.” In retrospect, I’m relieved my editor nixed it. However, it has been my pleasure to dispense a tidal wave of word vomit unto you every Tuesday. Whether you liked or loathed the column, I appreciate your attention.

To the freshmen: remember what Russell Simmons always says: “Always focus on your effort, instead of the results of that effort.” Translation: Aim low and you’ll be fine.

Sophomores: How’s that weird, blur of a year going? When you look back on it you won’t remember anything because this time is easy to forget. It’s awkwardly in the middle, like chapter two of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet.”

Juniors: Soon you’ll be drinking at the BU Pub alongside faculty and delicious sandwiches. Senior year is on the horizon and you’ve got internships to scour for.

Seniors: Let’s take that gap year (or seven) and never look back. Or rather, let’s teach English abroad and ignore student loans like we do the suffering job market.

Just in Kacy you ever crave a sassy debate or someone to talk to while you’re in line at Boloco, drop me a line. I’m going to go read through my spam inbox instead of my class notes. Do I risk downloading a virus? Yes. Do I care? Not in the slightest. See you out there.

Kacy Emmett is a senior in the College of Communication and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at kcemmett@bu.edu.