KILROY: Midwest musings

With the Pats and Giants playing for the Super Bowl title in Indianapolis, I figured it was a good as time as any to introduce East Coasters to the Midwest.
Yes, life does exist west of the Mississippi, and I, Meaghan Kilroy, hail from the “winningest” city – Chicago.
Why Illinois is considered part of the Midwest, I don’t know. Its really more “Mideast.” But that’s beside the point.

The Midwest. What can I say to New Englanders that will make them fall in love with the region? Wait. Let me rephrase that: What can I say to New Englanders that will get them to respect the region?
Well, for starters, we’ve got corn. Lots and lots of corn.
Corn boils, corn mazes . . . Here, you’ve got mountain belts. Back home, we’ve got the Corn Belt. Eat too much of the stuff and you’ll be losing your belt.
But let’s focus on the positives. Tell me, in what other region can a vegetable provide hours of entertainment?
Now I’m not talking about those Ranch Dressing commercials with the freckled, flannel-wearing kids and their ice cream cones filled with broccoli and the creamy dressing.
Ranch Valley doesn’t exist. No Midwestern kid is going to come down to the valley for a dessert that’s made entirely of vegetables.
What I’m really talking about is the entertainment that corn provides us Midwesterners.
Should you decide to consume the stuff, you’ll spend hours and hours picking it out of your teeth. Just when you think your mouth is rid of the stuff, it isn’t. Tomorrow morning you’ll wake up wondering why your toothbrush is still pulling out chunks of yellow. Second, who wouldn’t want to get lost in a field full of vegetables?
It’s always comforting to know that if I end up getting lost in one of those corn mazes, I’ve got a field of food to sustain me.

Moving on. Another Midwestern treat too sweet to ignore is Meijers.
Oh, Meijers. Home wouldn’t be home without it. Literally. 60 percent of the stuff in our house was probably bought at Meijers, an epic grocery store.
If some tornado (another Midwestern quirk) were to come ripping through our town, the one building you want left standing is Meijers.

So let’s review. Vegetable-centric entertainment. Larger-than-life grocery stores. If you don’t call that winning, I don’t know what is.

In any case, let’s move on. POP.
I’m sorry New England. Did you say soda? I couldn’t hear over the popping of my Sprite can.
That’s right. The fizzy drink pops.
Why make such a simple beverage two-syllables when it can be condensed into an easy, if not more descriptive one syllable: Pop. Pop. Pop. Poppity Pop.
No matter how many times you point me in the direction of the soda fountain, I’ll always wind up at the pop machine. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Flannel.
As a Boston University student I understand that New England urbanites are no stranger to flannel.
But unlike New Englanders, in the Midwest we’re not wearing flannel to look alternative (okay, so maybe in Chicago we are). We’re trying to keep ourselves warm . . . on the farm.
Flannel’s keeps the heat in and the jagged weeds out. Oh yeah, and we buy our flannel at Meijers . . . in bulk.

The Weather.
Better I not talk about it. But since I mentioned it, I’ll leave you with this nugget – lake effect. We might not get hurricanes, but man Lake Michigan is a beast. Midwesterners attribute every storm to one thing – Lake Michigan.

Weekends. New Englander: I’m going up/down to the Cape this weekend.
Midwesterner: I’m going to the Wisconsin Dells/Michigan Dunes this weekend. You won’t see the ocean but you can play in the sand and the “wave pool” and pretend you did.

Finally, any column on the Midwest wouldn’t be complete without some reference to Chicago. If I’m going to demand respect for the region, I best end with Chicago.
Chicago. God, I miss that place.
Deep-dish pizza (cheese goes on first, sauce follows), Navy Pier (nothing to do with the U.S. Navy) and Millennium Park (stare at your reflection in a bean – I told you we liked vegetables).

Now I’m not saying you can’t find those things somewhere along the East Coast. There is an UNO’s Pizzeria, Boston Harbor and Madison Square Garden.
But what makes Chicago special is that the city exists in the midst of all that corn, corn, corn.
After Chicago, it’s nothing but twisters and corn, baby.

Okay, so maybe that’s not entirely fair. Maybe there are other cities that deserve mention like Detroit, Milwaukee and Indianapolis. Nah, I said I wanted to earn your respect, right?
In that case, remember this: You may be sending your team to the godforsaken Midwest this year, but somewhere in that mess is Chicago. And Chicago turns out best. Too bad it’s so far from Indianapolis. I’d hate for you to make the trip; it’s a three-hour drive, and frankly, there’s a heck of a lot of corn.

Meaghan Kilroy is a sophomore in the College of Communication and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at  kilroymeg@hotmail.com