PEARSON: Girls, girls, girls

Sometimes I go home with a guy, and when I do, I usually go down on him. I’ve been told I’m good at it, and I would hope so, since it happens pretty often. The problem I have is that no guys ever give it back! It is getting really frustrating when they just say “thanks,” and head out the door. –After-Party Buffet

What parties do you go to, and how can I be that lucky guy?  Seriously, APB, you should probably rethink your drunken decisions before you go home and blow dude No. 342. I certainly hope that you are always using condoms, especially with random guys you will probably only sleep with once. In addition to the omnipresent risks of STIs, the New England Journal of Medicine once did a study showing that men and women with more than five oral-sex partners are 250 percent more likely to develop throat cancer. (Which means that you and I are screwed).

Now, assuming you play it safe each and every time, we’ll move on to the bigger issue of getting you that pleasure you so deserve. (Gentlemen, anyone who will suck for several minutes on something you use to urinate deserves much more than a “thank you”). I did some snooping around, and I think I’ve found some of the biggest reasons a man won’t go down under. He thinks it will smell or taste bad, he believes he might get lost down there or he simply doesn’t know what to do!

Another concern some guys have is that you have a forest growing down there, and he won’t even be able to find your sweet spot. For more information on trimming, see my answer to HDT below.  I’m confident this should clear up any problems in that area.

Finally, we come to the meat of the issue: Many guys just don’t know how to perform this delicate task to a woman’s satisfaction! Basically, (and I’m trying to clean this up as much as I can while still giving you the important step-by-step) You want to approach this smoothly and slowly. Be gentle, and tease the surrounding area for a few minutes to get her all revved up. (It has been said that most of a woman’s sexual pleasure comes from the prep work, not just from thrusting). After the fireworks, stop immediately. Women become incredibly sensitive after they have an orgasm, and any sudden movements can become painful.

As for your issue, APB, I would stop blowing dudes first. One small preface in the random’s defense: Lady oral is definitely an intimate maneuver, and he may not be ready to do that with any girl, let alone you. In any case, get over to their place, get naked and proposition them for a little oral exchange.  You’re now prepared to counter any arguments he might have against performing, and you will even be making him a better lover in the future. As I always say, sex is a conversation, and after your next random hook-up, he might even stick around for seconds.

My girlfriend is hot, and I love being with her, but I have one problem: She has a real bush down there. I’d like to try new things, but it would feel like I’m licking a wool sweater. How can I politely ask her to clean herself up? Hair Down There

Trimming, much like penis size, is something that is quite often treated like a secret. Nothing is as disappointing as pulling off some underwear only to find a crazy mess down there. Basically, this is a personal choice, but a quick call to our neighborhood sex shop reveals that most trimmers are adjustable from an quarter inch to an inch. I would err on the shorter side, personally, although I’ve seen all shapes and sizes.

You could approach this with a sort of sexy gift exchange, where you both go to an adult toy store, and get some gifts like handcuffs. Then, while you’re there, pick up a body trimmer, and when you get home, see if you could share the experience. If she likes the way she looks afterwards, (and she sees the kind of gift she’s getting from you, now that you know what you’re doing thanks to the quick guide above) she will probably keep the new hairstyle.

Luke Pearson is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at lpsexquestions@gmail.com