FONTANA: Politics without the chipotle mayo

That Guy (aka The Weenie): Under his reign, the country, nay, the world has become a worse place.

That Stupid Idiot: All he wants to do is to steal your identity, ruin your lives and eat your babies.

(Cue crescendo to uplifting, orchestral music reminiscent of the American frontier)

David Fontana: I will do better.

David Fontana: I will not lie to you. Ever.

David Fontana: Loves your children and would never eat them for breakfast.

My name is David Fontana, undergrad at Boston University, and I approve this message.

So there you have it folks, the choice may be yours, but the answer is clear: vote for David Fontana (that’s me!) in the upcoming election for the president of the United States of Amur’ca. If I don’t show up on the ballot, simply write me in! It’s that easy!

Easy, huh? Right.

The election for the next president of the United States of America is less than a month away now, and what do we have to show for it — well, about the same as usual I suppose: two dirty-blooded, double talking politicians, the phrase “lesser of two evils” being thrown around like a prostitute, propaganda up the wazoo, an economy in the gutter, God on everybody’s side and global warming.

But don’t worry my fellow Americans, we can just forget about that global warming thing, and you know what, why don’t we throw out all of those other problems too (forget the recycling bin!) since they don’t really seem to matter in these things anymore anyway! Yay! It’s like God pressed his moon-sized Staples Button and all the angels sang, “That was easy.” Now all we have to do is sit back, relax and watch the circus devour itself in flames as we chow down on our caramel flavored popcorn.

Politicians are often likened to monkeys, criminals and clowns, but I’m starting to think that they are more the ringleaders wearing clown suits, and if you press their big red noses, you’ll end up firing off the entirety of the U.S. supply of nuclear warheads (the super, super sour kind). If these guys (and gals) are monkeys, then this is definitely some “Planet of the Apeshit” going on here, because these monkeys are running the show and our lives. And we’re letting them.

I was studying abroad in Morocco when they held elections for a new parliament after the “Arab Spring” movement took the world by storm. I was appalled by the sheer surrealism of the entire voting mechanism, the flawed electoral mentality of the everyday people and the puppetry of the King who in my own words is an evil genius.

Just this past Sunday I watched as one of my friends, a very intelligent and strong woman, somewhat broke down after Hugo Chavez won the elections in Venezuela … again. Six more years, she said, while looking off and imagining where she’d be, where her country would be, where the world would be. She was shaken in a very real and painful way.

Yet all the while, good, old (very old) @fidelcastro was tweeting away the big HC (#axisofevilbromance), and our other friend was angrily venting about the lack of chipotle mayo on his breakfast sandwich that morning.

Is that what politics has come down to in our society? Memes that switch the hair between Barack O’Bomba and Mittens Romney? Leaders of countries tweeting at each other? The absence of chipotle mayo on our breakfast sandwiches?

But maybe that’s all just a metaphor, maybe that chipotle mayo is our freedom, the little control we have in the system of breakfast sandwich in which we live. But where has that sweet, but slightly spicy power gone, and who is eating the sandwich now?

I hear people long for a different system of government, better candidates, more action and honesty, less big smiles and polished suits. But then I’m reminded by my Italian roommate about how the multiparty system in Italy is a mess where the small parties control everything as the swing voters to which the larger, majority parties must cater.

“You know, at least when Berlusconi was in power, it was funny. Now, it’s just sad.”

We all like a little comedy in our lives and certainly in something as disgusting and frustrating as politics can often be.

And maybe as Americans we have the luxury of letting this debauchery slid, because we’re relatively comfortable with our lives.

We may not have the best country in the world, the best system of government, or even a job, but we’ve always got babies and politicians who will eat them. Even without their chipotle mayo.

David Fontana is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences and a Fall 2012 columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at fontad5@bu.edu.