Bullet to the head? More like Oscar in the hand!

Faithful reader, as I look at the nominations this year for the Academy Awards, I am outraged. The Hollywood liberals with their “progressive” agenda are at it again and refuse to quit. From the multifaceted thematic warnings of Zero Dark Thirty, to the satirically ironic slap by Django Unchained or the reflective sobriety of Lincoln, we clearly see the similar pensive reflections on American actions taken out of the rhetoric of freedom. Thanks a lot Obama.

And then there was that French film called Amour, but I didn’t see it because, like most Americans, I looked at the trailer empirically and came to the conclusion that the levels of French are too high and the levels of ass-kicking are too low.

This is why Bullet to the Head is a masterpiece! It breaks this newfound Hollywood liberalism that attempts to illuminate multiple dimensions of complex issues. Bullet is a classic return to the original kickers of ass for the sake of kicking ass! It even has that really old actor who played Rocky and kicked that Commie’s ass back in the ‘80s — Ronald Reagan.

I’m kidding, it’s still Sylvester Stallone.

The gist of the story is this: Stallone’s partner is killed by the group of thugs who hired him to do a hit, so he is forced to team-up with officer “Taylor Kwon” (played by rising star Sung Kang) to get his revenge.

Wait, haven’t we heard similar story lines like this before in say … every Stallone movie since ever?

Yeah of course, but, as the trailer’s tagline proclaims, “revenge never gets old.” Anyone else getting a chill down their back, or is that just the icy hot on my osteoarthritis?

Now that Stallone is armed with his AARP card, his acting is golden. In fact, I was so sucked into this film due to Stallone’s dramatic thespianism that I could actually see myself as a 66-year-old man looking for revenge against the guy who killed my partner. His acting as an elderly man made me feel so much like I was an old man that I forgot what happens for the rest of the film.

This movie gets me. It knows that I don’t want anything too complex or emotionally riveting. It understands my limited attention span and provides lots of cool explosions and funny one-liners. Well, some of the one-liners directed at Korean- American actor Sung Kang are borderline racist. But don’t fear, they’re quickly forgotten — we have more explosions to captivate me!

I have to hand it to Sly; he keeps reformulating his very specific formula. It’s like a dad trying to jingle his keys in front of his baby’s face to keep him from crying in that corner booth at IHOP. No matter how much you jingle the keys, we’re still in a corner booth at IHOP.