MARK: A Burger! My waistline for a burger!

Though you might have missed it, there are going to be significant developments to the fast food giants Taco Bell and McDonald’s. Both corporations announced changes they are undertaking in order to conform to our increasingly health-conscious yet fast-paced lifestyles. Yes, it was a sad weekend for fat guys everywhere. Once again, skinny people are trying to change institutions that have defined the fat-person experience since before America knew that 3,000 calories and a pack of cigarettes a day leads to conditions like early death.

McDonald’s announced that it was launching a major initiative to improve customer service. According to a Wall Street Journal article, a continually downward slide in sales and an increasing number of complaints about the quality of customer service has motivated corporate management to focus on things such as the friendliness of cashiers at its franchises and the efficiency at which food is served to customers. That’s right, because when I’m being served what is basically cow crap in between Styrofoam that’s been painted tan, I want the person who just took my money to smile, letting me know that this is at least friendly garbage I’m ingesting.

Taco Bell, on the other hand, has announced its plans to reduce the number of calories in its menu items. Based on an MSNBC article, the fast food franchise is planning reduce the amount of calories in  meals, making them only one-third of the recommended caloric intake of an average person — you know, instead of seven times what anyone would want to eat in a week. If that means they’re getting rid of their sour cream, then I will seriously consider only buying two Crunchwrap Supremes a week instead of my usual four. I guess I shouldn’t complain that much, since this plan to scale back calories and introduce healthier options is going to take, as has been reported, seven years. Oh good, by then I’ll be on my fourth coronary, so by that time I’ll have to start watching what I eat. Seriously? Seven years? By then, Chris Christie will have been elected president. No doubt he has a few words about how it’s a travesty that the oversized stuff burrito will no longer come with an HMO letter telling you that what you are about to eat is not covered by your health plan.

This is just skinny people, once again, ruining something that brought just enough satisfaction and joy into our otherwise miserable lives. If you don’t like what’s on the menu at Taco Bell or McDonald’s, then don’t eat there. Go to Panera, and leave my temples of high cholesterol alone.

I get that fast food joints like Taco Bell and McDonald’s are trying to be part of the solution for rising obesity rates, but the effort is so half-hearted and disingenuous that I almost feel bad that we’ve been shunning their product for so long. They’re like that weird kid pouting in the corner of a party, the one that looks like he still plays Magic the Gathering. Fast food is like that. Shame on us trying to turn them into something they are not just because they don’t fit our values. Judge lest not you be judge, you carrot-stick-eating bullies.

And another thing! What is with people complaining about cashiers not being friendly enough? They’re working a fast food job, they probably have child support payments that are overdue and that wart down there hasn’t gone away for three weeks. Every time I order I can just hear his or her inner monologue. “I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and I graduated summa cum laude, but I’m working here. I’m 24 years old but I have acne because the grease from the fry maker has been caked onto my skin for the last four months. It’s 1 a.m. and I’ve been here since 3 p.m. But no, you’re right, I should be overflowing with glee when I serve you this chewable stroke.” I’d almost be unnerved if a McDonald’s cashier smiled at me. As soon as I sat down, I’d be checking to make sure they didn’t spit in my food.

I’m just waiting for KFC to introduce whole-wheat biscuits all because some soccer mom’s obese 12-year-old got picked on when for bringing in a note that exempted him from participating in the presidential fitness test in gym. I say take your BS back to Whole Foods and give me back my trans fats. Let me be fat on my own terms and stop trying to ruin the disgusting slop I occasionally put into my body.

I know that fast food is basically fat and grease on a plate, but slow suicide has never been so tasty as a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, but no one’s making us eat there. Stop trying to change fast food into something it’s not. I already have to put up with my calorie counting friends when I’m not eating fast food. Leave my dollar menu alone, and go eat your box of leaves somewhere else, preferably far away from me.

Sandor Mark is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, and a weekly columnist for the Daily Free Press. He can be reached at smark@bu.edu.