FONTANA: Women are crazy, men are stupid

There’s a theorem that has yet to fail me in life. Or rather, it has yet to fail me since I realized its existence all those semesters ago when I was just a young, impressionable freshman living in the quaint . . . comfortable . . . little slice of heaven that is Warren Towers.

It goes like this: Women are crazy, men are stupid.

Well, my work here is done. Thank you all for reading. It has truly been a pleasure, and the pleasure has been all mine. Donations to the “Help! I’m Graduating Fund” can be sent directly to The Daily Free Press. They’ll be sure to forward them my way. I’ll be expecting lots, too, so don’t be stingy.

All right, so, it’s not a life changing idea. In fact, it’s short and offensive, really.

But it wasn’t created as a way of perpetuating stereotypes. Its basis was established by a group of my friends and I — a mixture of both genders, mind you — and I have yet to find a group of people that completely (completely) disagree with its logic. I must say, I’ve greeted a few offended faces after I’ve proposed the idea — and yes, it’s usually by women. But, I don’t blame them for it. Whether we men like it, women have to put up with a lot more oppression, arrogance, ignorance and a whole slew of other obstacles that society throws at them simply for having the ability to bear children, being able to see more distinction in colors and, frankly, for smelling and looking way better than us, too.

I definitely think something should and must be done about that divide. But that’s not exactly the gap I’m trying to bridge here. Rather, I’m trying to take a look at that unquantifiable quantum leap nature takes between a second X and a single Y.

Now, it might be easier and more truthful, to really say, there are two kinds of people in this world: The crazies and the stupids. Both genders have people who are straight up out of their minds and both definitely have idiots — there’s no doubt of that. However, gendering The Situation—no not from the “Jersey Shore,” although that would be comical, too — besides just adding a bit of humor, it is meant to simplify and help emphasize this phenomenon’s nature. You see, the place in life where this theorem peaks, where life’s golden truth really begins to shine, is, inevitably, in love.

“Crazy. Stupid. Love.” — most of you have probably seen it. And if not, well, you’ve most likely heard of it. As for those of you ostriches with your heads stuck in the ground, there’s no cure for what you have yet, so please, just “Keep Calm and Carry On,” as they say. But, there’s a reason the title to the movie is so catchy and to why the movie did so well. And no, it’s not because of Emma’s button nose, or because of Carell’s ridiculous antics or even because what’s-his-face takes off his shirt (although the overlords in Hollywood’s Ring of Evil knows that we love those little theatrics). No, the reason its message hits home, the reason I knew the title long before I saw the movie, is because it simply rings true. We all know that crazy girlfriend who finds some way to stir up trouble even when none exists. And we all know that idiot guy friend who just seems to float along, completely unaware that he’s standing right in the middle of World War III.  Love, really does make us do crazy, stupid things. I’m shaking my fist at you, Cupid.

After doing some research, I found out that, unfortunately, my friends and I weren’t the first geniuses to think up this pithy gem. But was I surprised? Not even in the slightest. The crazy and the stupids have been falling in love ever since those Cro-Magnon days when Wombalina first said, “Ooga booga youga,” and Womble replied, “Whoga?” This was quickly followed with a “bam bam” to Womble’s head — not much has changed, I’d say.

Stand-up comedian George Carlin has actually been throwing around the phrase for years and he adds, “the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” And therein lies the short fall of this wonderful little theorem. Like so many theorems before it, it states the truth yet makes living not even a little less difficult. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Just because it hasn’t failed me, doesn’t mean it has solved any of my problems. Girls, crazy or not, will forever remain a mystery to my ever-stupid and completely unaware “mind.”

So Men, stay strong. And Women, good luck.

David Fontana is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at fontad5@bu.edu.