Fish And Chipps: A proper, gangsta breakdown of the FIFA scandal

When I say that Bob Ley is an OG, that’s not an opinion — that’s a factual statement.

Ley is one of the hardest hitting broadcast journalists in the business, whose dogged reporting for ESPN’s “Outside The Lines” has earned him worldwide respect and applause.

This summer, Ley, investigative reporter Jeremy Schaap and “Outside The Lines” were front and center covering the FIFA scandal and the 14 men who were arrested for soliciting bribes, racketeering, wire fraud, tax evasion and corruption. But throughout all of the chaos, it was Ley who the public leaned on as he continually called out soccer’s governing body for its decades of overt corruption.

You don’t need anyone to tell you that FIFA President Sepp Blatter is arguably the most corrupt sports politician ever. But you do need a trustworthy journalist like Ley to put everything into context, because the magnitude of this scandal is beyond the scope of anything we’ve seen before.

Three days after Blatter was re-elected for his fifth term as FIFA President, the 79-year-old shockingly resigned from the position he had throned for 17 years.

Sitting in the SportsCenter studio as Blatter announced his resignation, Ley became an Internet sensation by borrowing a famous quote from HBO’s “The Wire” to properly characterize what we were witnessing at the time.

“You come at the king, you best not miss,” Ley uttered, paying homage to the legendary Robin Hood street character, Omar Little.

As I listened to Ley’s comments and began to learn more about what exactly had gone down behind FIFA’s doors, I realized that Ley had subtly made a terrific evaluation — almost every major player in the FIFA scandal has an alter ego character in “The Wire.”

Now, I could write the standard column on Blatter and this whole mess, but what’s the fun in that? And if you don’t already know about FIFA’s longstanding corruption, I suggest you watch John Oliver’s hilarious rant.

So let’s breakdown the FIFA scandal more appropriately.

And always remember, “The game is out there. And it’s either play, or get played.”

The Backroom Facilitator: Jerome Valcke as Stringer Bell

Like every kingpin, the leader must have his right-hand man — a trustworthy authoritative figurehead with an aptitude for always being one step ahead of the law. Like Stringer Bell served on behalf of Avon Barksdale, former FIFA Secretary General Jerome Valcke was Blatter’s most trusted ally.

Valcke — who was recently suspended and was reportedly seeking a multi-million dollar payoff from FIFA — was, according to The Guardian, “long seen as Blatter’s fixer and responsible for overseeing FIFA’s commercial contracts and its showpiece tournaments.”

But like Stringer’s fate, it appears that there may be a bounty on Valcke’s head, too. Multiple reports say that Valcke was aware of a $10 million bribe that was made by South African officials to Jack Warner (more on him below).

Valcke has yet to be charged by U.S. authorities, but don’t be surprised if “The Backroom Facilitator” isn’t pressed into a corner between U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and the Swiss authorities in the near future.

“Well, get on with it!”

The Muscle: Mohamed bin Hammam as Wee-Bey Brice

There is no criminal organization without its soldiers — the men who do the dirty work to make sure the job gets done without making too much of a mess.

Meet Mohamed bin Hammam, a Qatari self-made billionaire who became one of Blatter’s most loyal confidants and worked his way onto the infamous FIFA executive committee.

Behind the scenes, bin Hammam was the Qatari royal family’s muscle. When it was made clear that Qatar wanted to host the World Cup, bin Hammam was on the corners and in the streets wining and dining African nation FIFA representatives to seal their votes. According to The Sunday Times, bin Hammam made payments of $200,000 to 30 presidents of African soccer associations.

Bin Hammam’s work paid off, and in 2010 Qatar was awarded the 2022 World Cup, but unfortunately that was the end of the fairy tale for the loyal soldier.

In 2011, bin Hammam unsuccessfully tried to dethrone Sepp Blatter as FIFA president, and in 2012 was banned from FIFA for life.

But don’t worry, he’s stayed true to his solider-like tendencies, and similar to Wee-Bey, bin Hammam decided to take the years rather than rat out his FIFA comrades.

“For another pig sandwich and some tater salad, I’ll go a few more.”

The Natural Police: Andrew Jennings as Lester Freamon

Lester Freamon — the smart, wise and logical homicide detective — taught us the most important lesson on how to crack criminal conspiracies: “If you follow the drugs, you’ll find drug addicts and drug dealers. But if you start to follow the money, you don’t know where the f— it’s gonna to take you.”

This is where veteran journalist Andrew Jennings enters the FIFA scene. Jennings has spent the last 15 years slowly and methodically cracking the FIFA scandal and obtaining damning documents on Blatter and his co-conspirators.

The 71-year-old has written several books on FIFA, and among his many findings discovered that Blatter had been paying himself a secret six-figure bonus.

Much like Freamon, Jennings faced criticism and backlash from his colleagues and superiors for going after the most powerful sports politician in the world. But Jennings knew — like Freamon did through his use of wire-taps — that if you slowly build up a good case, all of the pieces will come together.

“We’re building something here, detective. We’re building it from scratch. All the pieces matter.”

The Fat Man: Chuck Blazer as Proposition Joe

We were introduced to Chuck Blazer as the Santa Claus-looking figure who had an entire apartment in Trump Tower just for his cats. Although Blazer had a taste for the theatrics, the former FIFA executive committee member played a huge role in turning soccer into a multi-million dollar business in the United States and abroad.

But underneath his thick white beard, Blazer was a savvy, corrupt businessman who figured out how to make money off of anyone and anything.

After years of not filing income taxes, Blazer was threatened by U.S. prosecutors in 2011 and became a key informant in the corruption case that led to FIFA’s downfall.

Blazer and Proposition Joe share many similarities, including their morbid obesity, but most notably their keen eyes for how to make an extra dollar. And no matter how corrupt they both are, their business model has to be somewhat respected.

“Buy for a dollar. Sell for two. That’s all it need be.”

Robin Hood: The Swiss Government as Omar Little

Who would’ve thought the Swiss would be the ones to take down its own people?

The Swiss have always been known for their “relaxed” tax practices and their reluctance to cooperate with U.S. authorities, so it came as a little bit of shock to learn that they had teamed up with the U.S. Department of Justice to bring down FIFA.

After helping to carry out multiple arrests during the annual FIFA Congress, the Swiss attorney general’s office announced Sept. 25 that they are opening up a criminal investigation against Blatter.

At first, it might’ve seemed far-fetched to picture the Swiss willing to cooperate with the U.S. and its investigation, but as Omar always says, “It’s all in the game yo.”

The Corrupt Politician: Jack Warner as State Senator Clay Davis

Let’s be honest — everyone involved in the FIFA scandal is a corrupt politician, but Jack Warner hits a special place in our hearts that elevates him to Clay Davis status.

Why exactly? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s that $10 million bribe he happily accepted in exchange for his vote in South Africa’s 2010 World Cup bid.

Or maybe it’s this ridiculous commercial he paid to air on Trinidadian and Tobago television after John Oliver called him out for citing an article from “The Onion” in his defense a week earlier.

After reading up on Warner, I’m starting to feel pretty confident that Davis’ character was inspired by Warner’s ridiculous antics. Warner, like Davis, has emphatically stated that he is innocent even though there is mounting evidence against him. His own sons even turned against him while they were being prosecuted by U.S. authorities.

But hey, like Senator Davis told Lt. Cedric Daniels in Season 1, “I’ll take any m—–f—–‘s money if he’s giving it away.”

The King: Sepp Blatter as Avon Barksdale and Marlo Stanfield

And finally, we meet the King: Joseph “Sepp” Blatter.

For nearly 20 years, Blatter ran FIFA like a mix between the Barksdale Organization and the Stanfield crime ring. Like Barksdale, Blatter had a soft side for “his people,” and took care of (most) of his loyal lieutenants. But like Marlo Stanfield, he could be just as evil and turn on his allies at the first sight of disloyalty.

After he was re-elected FIFA president for the fifth time in May, Blatter threw out the most Marlo quote possible.

“I am the president of everybody,” he proudly announced to the world.

In layman’s terms, this is what Blatter really said: “My name is my name!”

Blatter did whatever he could to make sure that no one could get in the way of his authoritarian power trip over FIFA. Blatter has defiantly denied any involvement in the FIFA corruption over his tenure as president, but even as the 79-year-old desperately tries to maintain the image as the man who turned soccer into the “global game,” deep down we all know Blatter isn’t a suit-and-tie kind of guy.

“I’m just a gangsta I suppose.”

Damn straight.