I love him. Every day I favorite his tweets, and he favorites mine. He sends me good morning texts and goodnight texts, little reminders of his love. We have late night rants about social justice, music we somehow can both vibe to, which Tarantino movie is the best and which Wahlberg movie is the worst. I tell him that I love him, but I’ll never be in love with him.
What sounds like a relationship out of a new Nicholas Sparks book entitled “The Love,” or something similarly vague, is actually the platonic relationship between my best guy friend, Jayson, and me. Maybe it’s because we grew up together and have Thanksgiving dinner with both our families present, or maybe it’s because I tried to set him up with one of my best friends, but Jayson and I will always be “just friends.” And there’s nothing wrong with that.
This leads us to ask: can men and women be just friends? Society preaches and co-ed floors exist to prove that when a man and a woman meet, it’s only a matter of time before the tension takes over and thoughts of friendship are extinguished. I find this to be untrue. I believe that men and women can be friends. It is very possible — I encourage friendships between all genders, not just including male and female, but all gender identities.
Of course male and female friendships have their challenges, and maybe there exists another layer that does not come with same-gender relationships. But every relationship comes with a set of challenges. The problem is, many people believe that deep within our gender identity is some piece ingrained that makes it impossible to be “just friends” with the opposite gender. But that belief just isn’t true.
This belief lends itself to an examination of the “friend zone,” a magical, imaginary place where rejected persons lament unreciprocated feelings that weren’t warranted in the first place. This goes hand in hand with the whole “men and women cannot be just friends because at least one of them will develop feelings for the other” trope that seems to plague our media and pop culture. This happens when one party develops feelings for the other, and the other wants to remain “just friends.” Proprietors of the friend zone love to shame those for whom they have feelings by not reciprocating those feelings, and in turn making the other feel bad. Kindness, friendship or general humanity toward another does not warrant feelings of love, nor should someone be shamed for not reciprocating those feelings. Many of these people are the ones who stand on soap boxes and yell that men and women can’t be just friends, and who love to confuse niceties for feelings.
In the same vein, it is possible to develop feelings for your friends. Some of the stronger relationships stem from friendships that were created and developed in the first place. But for this to work, the feelings have to be mutual. This does not mean that every male and female relationship will lead to a loving one. It also doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to develop feelings for your friends.
Yes, men and women can be friends. It’s as simple as that. It is very possible not to develop feelings for your companions no matter what movies like “No Strings Attached,” or “Friends with Benefits,” have preached.
These friendships and relationships are very give-and-take. But know that holding the door open for someone does not mean they have to go on a date with you. Know that being their friend does not mean they will automatically fall in love with you. Know that they owe you nothing.
Meredith loves telling stories and pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw, minus the man and comfy NYC apartment. She, however, eats enough brunch to cover all six seasons. When she's not drowning in 16th-century literature, she can be found lamenting over the bad grammar and bad boys in her middle school diary.
Find her on twitter @merewilsh or email her mwilsher@bu.edu with all your love musings or questions.
