Sports Comedy Corner: A hardo’s guide to Madden

We’ve reached the dead season of sports, folks. Football is over, spring training has just begun and hockey and basketball are months away from the playoffs. March Madness doesn’t even start till mid-March (they always get me with that).

So how do sports fans pass the time during this February hiatus? Do we find a new hobby? Try out bird watching? Start following politics?

Nah. It’s video game season.

Some hone their skills on FIFA’s virtual pitch, some enjoy simple pleasures of playing online bingo for money, others hoop on the NBA blacktop and the nostalgic crack open NFL Street.

Me? I’m a Madden guy. But there needs to be a set of rules to maximize the enjoyment of a Madden game. It’s all about incentivizing friendly competition. I took an economics class once, so I know a lot about incentives.

Picking Teams 

You each need to pick three randoms and choose your favorite. It’s the classic way to do it — I think John Madden himself wrote this into the original Madden rulebook.

If you are unhappy with your three options, you can randomize one more time, but you must be that team.

This is all done with one major caveat. You can’t complain about the team you end up with. Nobody likes the guy who goes down 14-0 and starts yapping about his team. Yeah, your quarterback sucks, but we randomize for a reason. Maybe mix in some play-action calls and you’ll keep my pass rush honest (probably not).

I also hate the guy who wants the best team possible. How are you going to show your skills if you use the New England Patriots every game? I love using crap teams because it forces me to get creative.

And let me propose a little challenge to the more seasoned Madden players. Go three randoms and then pick your opponent’s team. Trust me, making your buddy play with the Cleveland Browns will do great damage to his psyche.

Play-Calling

I’m not going to micromanage every call, but we need some ground rules. Don’t just chuck it up every time. You’re ruining the integrity of the game.

It’s not fun throwing deep balls into double coverage. This isn’t the Pop Warner version of Madden. This is the big leagues. I’ll sit extra defensive backs in deep zones if you want to go that route. But if we’re playing for real, I expect a degree of professionalism.

I’m not saying you should run every first down or anything like that. I want you to mix up your play calling. Keep me on my toes. Sub in your backup running back for short yardage, keep a balance between shotgun and singleback, call a wide receiver reverse when least expected.

But when you get to fourth down, I’m going to ask you treat your decision like a NFL coach would. And how do I hold you to that standard?

Punt Rules

Many a Madden player has dealt with the guy who always goes for it on fourth down. But I’m here to put an end to that nonsense.

If it’s 4th and 10 from your own 25, you punt. Madden is built for offense to triumph over defense. So if I force you into a 4th and long, respect the defense. Also, if you attempt a ridiculous fourth down and do not convert, I’m set up with great field position.

As a competitive Madden player, I don’t want that luxury. I want to earn it. So treat fourth downs realistically. Go for it when the situation warrants it, or else punt it away.

Never “Ask Madden”

This may be the most disrespectful thing a Madden player can do — letting the ol’ computer pick the play for you. It’s a shame that this has become acceptable.

If you need help picking plays, what else can’t you for yourself? Do you have a friend help comb your hair in the morning? Does he help you study for tests? Talk you through your personal problems?

Never ask for assistance: a Madden life lesson.

Play To Win 

This should go without saying. But I’ve seen too many competitive Madden players reach a point where they’re playing “for fun.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DL0W9AUCuY

If your opponent is out of timeouts and you have the ability to kill the clock with a lead, kneel it. Don’t let your buddy guilt you into throwing one up. Because the one time you do and you’re intercepted for a touchdown, they’ll be laughing all the way to the bank (not a real bank, of course, because we’re not playing for money*).

*wink

No Screen Looking 

It’s the issue everyone wants to pretend doesn’t exist, but it must be addressed openly. When you’re done picking your play, try not to stare at your opponent’s playbook. You don’t need to shield your eyes or turn around, but don’t make a habit of snooping around. This is a gentlemen’s game.

Know The Basics

Slant routes generally work against man-to-man coverage, not zone coverage. If you put zones in the flats, you may be vulnerable deep. Always go nickel or dime against three-receiver sets.

You know, day one stuff.

Also, if you’re pressured outside the pocket, throw out of bounds. Never take a risk, and you’ll never make a mistake.

Sportsmanship

First of all, don’t overdo trash talk. I have a friend who constantly boasts and talks during the game, and, not-so-surprisingly, it gets to a point where it’s no longer amusing.

And now for my most important nugget. If you are a third party to a Madden game, never yell out the button of a guy who’s open. This is frowned upon in our circles. You will be asked to leave. And we will keep the quiche you brought and serve it to relatives we dislike.