The Academy Awards are an entertainment spectacle. With the biggest celebrities in film, a host bashing said celebrities and live tweets from people who have never seen a film, the show’s always a must-watch.
And this year was no different, as Chris Rock rocked the establishment and the red carpet was in true form.
In honor of the Oscars, I’ve created an alternate version of the Academy Awards. It’s a brand new awards show that recognizes excellence in sports, all within the categories of film. Think of it as The Dundies for pro sports, although it won’t be hosted at Chili’s.
Without further ado, here’s how I picture the night going.
Host: Pat McAfee
Colts punter and stand-up comedian Pat McAfee kicks off the night with a killer monologue similar to Chris Rock’s, except it’s the polar opposite. McAfee crushes some jokes about the lack of white nominees and then goes after some faces in the crowd.
“Gronk is here tonight, everyone.”
*crowd applauds*
“He just got back from the Gronk party cruise, where he drank a little too much and made another Gronkowski.”
*crowd laughs*
“Not like there aren’t enough of them around.”
*camera pans to Gronk, who is sitting next to 10 meatheads in tank tops*
Best Picture: Ron Hunter, “Falling Off His Stool at the NCAA Tournament”
In a category with only one nominee, Georgia State men’s basketball coach Ron Hunter takes home the hardware. In his victory speech, he thanks his son for hitting the game-clinching shot, the photographer whose name he forgets and the manufacturer of the stool for its below-average stability.
Best Actor In A Leading Role: LeBron James: “Flopping” (of course)
LBJ steps to the stage to accept the prestigious Best Actor award. Unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, he doesn’t talk about global warming and instead thanks his teammates for playing so poorly that he was forced to carry the team.
“Without your missed shots and low energy defense, I wouldn’t have been able to score all our points and throw assists to myself.”
Halfway through the speech, LeBron notices various GIFs of him flopping on the big screen. Realizing that’s what the Best Actor award is for, he fakes a coughing fit, mumbles in a hoarse voice and leaves the stage. He takes the trophy with him.
Best Supporting Actor: Draymond Green: “6-foot-7 Power Forward”
Unlike the flopping award, Draymond earns this as a jack-of-all-trades big man for Stephen Curry and the NBA champion Golden State Warriors. Draymond is honored for his passing, shot-making, rebounding, trash talking, interior defense and exterior demeanor. Klay Thompson, a fellow nominee, reacts just as Sylvester Stallone did after losing to Mark Rylance.
Costume Design: Russell Westbrook: “Half-Strapped Overalls”
Who else but young Russ and his flashy, excessive, uncomfortable outfits? Westbrook is to fashion like Darren Rovell is to Twitter. You just can’t tell if he’s trolling or not.
Anyway, at least I now know the inspiration for rapper Lil Dicky’s “Russell Westbrook On A Farm.” You’re telling me this guy’s never milked a cow before?
Sound Mixing: Random FOX Employee: “Catching Cam Newton Dropping an F-Bomb”
Cam Newton accepts the award on FOX’s behalf, thanking the network for not bleeping out his obscenity in the playoffs against the Seattle Seahawks. He says it was the only time he ever swore on a field, and he swears by it.
Cam also takes his time at the podium to defend himself against the woman who blasted him in an article in The Charlotte Observer. The music starts and Cam is forced to wrap it up, which, as we saw in the Super Bowl, he’s not very good at.
The MVP continues his rant until Von Miller runs up, unblocked, and blindsides him. Michael Oher, who knows a thing or two about movies, is nowhere to be found.
Best Original Screenplay: Peyton Manning: “2016 Super Bowl”
In the best original screenplay category, a lifetime achievement award is given to Peyton Manning of the Denver Broncos and Papa John’s, Buick, Nationwide and DirectTV brands.
Award presenter, Jim Irsay, honors Peyton for coming back from injury, taking back over the starting job and winning his second Super Bowl even though it was really his defense who won it for him.
The script was carefully constructed by some of the top executives in the NFL, but Peyton is honored nonetheless. Most believe it is a lifetime achievement award, ignoring the sexual assault allegations and impending coverup alleged against Manning and his family.
At the end of the ceremony, the camera pans to Peyton’s brother Eli, who was calculating how much time Peyton had left in his speech.
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Thanks to the Academy and everyone who voted on these awards. Check back next year for another edition of the Academy Awards for Sports. They’re different than the ESPYS. They have a bigger budget.
