The past is a weird place to linger in. Being a senior in college, I am constantly reminded of how long I’ve been here, either through Facebook’s convenient “On This Day” feature which chronicles friendships that started in my Warren Towers days — or through memories of things that don’t seem that long ago.
Once, my toxic ex — as I lovingly dubbed him in a recent column — was taken aback by how long we had known each other. We met at a party freshman year, one I wrote about in my diary with a very optimistic voice. In an effort to prove that I knew him better than he thought, I brought up how we had known each other for three years. “That long, huh? Weird.” We had a shared history — some good, and some a lot worse, but it existed nonetheless, whether we wanted to confront it or not.
So what is history? What’s baggage in relation to it? More importantly, what’s the difference when we carry both around with us, intentionally and not? It can be a lot more complicated than many of us expect.
I came face-to-face with my baggage recently after confronting something I had been putting off for a long time — I hadn’t realized how much of it I had been carrying. When I broke up with the guy I was seeing most recently, I made sure he knew it had very little to do with him and a lot more with where I was emotionally. The cliche “it’s not you, it’s me” inevitably reared its head, no matter how much I wanted to avoid saying it. I hadn’t been in touch with what I was feeling and what I wasn’t. The truth was, I hadn’t come to terms with the baggage I was carrying until we talked. It wasn’t until after a few dates that I realized I wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship with him — I wasn’t in a place where I could. I was guarded, emotionally unavailable and unprepared to be any of things he wanted.
Baggage doesn’t really go away. We get over some of the things that happened to us, but we also end up acting differently in each relationship because of it. Because of the baggage I carry, i.e. being “cheated” on sophomore year, I’m less open and I don’t trust people as well as I used to. I take steps to make myself less vulnerable, I build more walls than I tear down. I try to avoid putting myself in a place where I can get hurt, mostly because I don’t want to go through the whole process again. It’s not bad to have baggage, I carry mine with cognizance of what it means — but we have to be aware of what that can do to other people.
History is different than baggage, in both form and style. Having a history with someone can lead to the baggage we carry, but that isn’t always the case. You can have history without taking on the baggage. Every relationship changes us, each one in its own unique way. History means that you know someone better than you think, it also means that you might have hurt them or had them hurt you. Dealing with history can be complicated and messy — sometimes it’s easier to walk away, and sometimes it’s better to work things through. Both depend on willingness to confront the past and possibly leave it behind, no matter how hard that may be.
Try not to put the baggage you carry onto someone else. This can mean projection of emotions, not listening to people because of what you believe to be true, or in my case, distrusting them because of what’s happened to me in the past. Although I have a hard time trusting people, that doesn’t mean that it will never happen.
Sometimes, the best thing to do with history is leave it in the past. Feelings may linger, change in their own right or disappear altogether. History can make things messy, whether it be things said years ago or promises that were broken. Both history and with baggage are important to identify and claim. We all go through things in this world, things that change us beyond what we recognize sometimes. It may be best to name our demons, recognize their causes and move towards moving beyond them.
Meredith loves telling stories and pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw, minus the man and comfy NYC apartment. She, however, eats enough brunch to cover all six seasons. When she's not drowning in 16th-century literature, she can be found lamenting over the bad grammar and bad boys in her middle school diary.
Find her on twitter @merewilsh or email her mwilsher@bu.edu with all your love musings or questions.
