Ask Abby (or Analise): Who said chivalry is dead?

Dear Abby: Is it true that all chivalry is dead? How do I know if I’m just accepting the bare minimum or actually being treated right? I wonder if I am just settling.

The chivalry debate. A topic as interesting as it is contentious. But I worry sometimes, is the death of romance upon us? Are the days of nice gestures and “just because” a way of the past? Oftentimes I think maybe, but perhaps there is a way for us to dig it out of the grave before it is  too far gone.

Now before I dive-in to the topic at hand, let me give you all a little lesson on what chivalry truly means. The textbook definition has its roots in the medieval era where chivalry was considered to be a code of conduct that would govern the behavior of knights, primarily in martial interactions, but also in coming to the aid of “damsels in distress.”

The one issue with this concept is that the confines of Medieval European society meant that the only way women could achieve social mobility is by their relationship to a man. A knight could die brave, honorable and distinguished. A woman would die just as she existed: a woman.

But today, women are not reliant on some male figure to come in and “save them,” they are independent and can hold their own in society. However, that’s not to say that more modern forms of chivalry would undermine a woman’ self-governance –– if anything, they show a higher level of respect.

So if you ask me, no. Chivalry doesn’t have to be dead, if we can take the time to understand what it means.

The bare minimum

Time and time again I see so many girls equating the bare bones of a respectful relationship to a man being “chivalrous” –– and to that, all I can do is shudder.

I say this because a guy being polite, holding the door open for you, replying to your text and being loyal for goodness sake is not chivalry! These are the basic tenets of human decency. While appreciated, no one (and I mean no one) deserves a round of applause for respecting you.

I would argue that the social dilemma of putting men on a pedestal because they treat you like a human being is the root of so many failed relationships. When we begin to act like someone holding you in high regard is a spectacle to marvel at, we leave room for everyone below these standards to act ignorant and rude.

Assist me, don’t mansplain

Whether it comes to driving, cooking, spending money or fixing something — behind every woman doing these things is an overly confident man trying to tell her what they think is the better way to do things.

So I would estimate that if I had a nickel for every time a man tried to explain a very well-known concept or action to me in his own words, I would be a very rich woman.

On the opposite end of the mansplaining spectrum, however, lies true courtesy.

More modern forms of chivalry include sending a hand-written letter instead of a text, carrying your partner’s bags for them, having them walk on the inside of the sidewalk, offering them your coat if they get cold and giving up your seat among other things.

Even I won’t deny a lot of these ideals are rooted in gender roles. Still, I think they’re concepts that can be applied to anyone in a relationship because they’re just very nice gestures to put into practice.

But, at the end of the day, you should help your partner because she looks like she could really use a hand, not because you think she needs you to be her knight in shining armor to come to her aid. Most importantly, remember that she is an intellectual too, and doesn’t need simple things to be explained for her comprehension.

Check, please!

The whole pay or split the bill debate is hot in the media right now. Many say that the man should pay on the first date, kind of how tradition dictates. Others say that 50/50 is the best and most fair method.

My thoughts?  Well, the first date I ever went on, I offered to split the check out of courtesy, and my date objected, saying, “I asked you on the date, so I’m going to pay.” With that being said, I guess my vote would be that whoever initiates the date is probably more inclined to pay. Though there is no obligation to do so if you feel more comfortable and want to avoid creating some sort of social debt.

That’s another thing: Just because you buy a woman dinner doesn’t mean she owes you sex! The notion that one would pay for a good time out in exchange for something sexual is quite frankly disgusting, and the very opposite of what it means to be chivalrous.

No, this is not anti-feminist

Any time the topic of chivalry is brought up, I know so many guys who are so quick to jump up and cry out the whole “anti-feminist” argument (which is rather hypocritical since sometimes the only time they want to talk about gender equality is when it comes to dating expectations).

But, as a feminist, I like the idea of modern chivalry. I don’t think it’s a big ask to expect your partner to do nice things and perform little acts of courtesy every now and then.

There is, of course, someone who is inevitably going to argue: “But I thought you’re a strong, independent woman? Why do you need help?”

To that I say, needing help does not mean you’re weak, nor does lending help mean you’re somehow superior or stronger. This idea, it’s called humanity –– when we exercise benevolence and forgo our own needs to help others and show them our unwavering empathy.

Not dead, but evolved

I hate to say that chivalry is dead, but every now and then I hear stories from my girlfriends or people on the internet who talk about having to beg for bare minimum treatment, or put up with subpar respect, and it totally grosses me out.

But even that is not indicative to the end of courtesy, that’s just a basic lack of appreciation and decency.

What I think is “dead” about chivalry is its outdated implications. Every human –– devoid of gender –– likes to feel appreciated and acknowledged, and that’s what the execution of chivalry is all about.

Women don’t deserve special treatment because they’re delicate little flowers. They deserve it because they’re human –– and all humans have a right to be accorded a sense of dignity, respect and mutual politeness.

Do you or someone you know need dating advice? Ask Abby!