Ask Abby, Lifestyle

Ask Abby (or Analise): Dating decoded — how to make your dating intentions clear

Dear Abby: I’m confused. I went out with this girl a couple times and we talk all the time on the phone, but it seems as if she wants nothing to do with me out of nowhere. After all we’ve done together, she said she was unsure about wanting a relationship. I feel misled about her intentions. Why does this keep happening to me, Abby? And what can I do to save myself from heartbreak again?

Lila Baltaxe | Senior Graphic Artist

Are you familiar with the most infamous breakup line in history? The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” thing? I dub it “infamous” because it has a reputation for being one of the least meaningful ways to tell the person you’re seeing that you’re not that interested.

But if there’s one thing BU students know — it’s communication. I mean, we have a whole school named for it. 

Still, we sometimes fall short when it comes to being direct about how we feel. This is to be expected in a way. We’re not robots. We fear embarrassment and hate confrontation. Especially people pleasers who don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by telling it like it is. 

Feelings aside, I can’t help but wonder: Can our desire to not be put in uncomfortable situations trump other’s feelings? 

Perhaps we don’t always want to be so upfront and tell people exactly what we’re looking for from the get-go. Subsequently, we might also be unsure of what we want to begin with. Either way, the only way up is out  and by that I mean gathering the nerves to get the words out. Otherwise, we might be the cause of some broken hearts. 

Getting your toes wet in the dating pool

The first step to knowing what you want is introspection. Think long and hard about why you’re using Tinder or Hinge. Consider why you suddenly want to jump back into the dating pool. Are you actually looking for love? Trying to get revenge? Hoping for something quick and fun? 

Whatever it is, you should understand your intentions from the beginning and make it clear. 

Some people are relationship people, others aren’t. Some people are over their exes, others aren’t. In any case, that’s okay! Everyone is at different points in their life and are down for different levels of commitment. Just make sure to avoid becoming someone who is misleading. 

A lot of people can overestimate the size of their emotional capacity. Life gets busy, we all go through rough patches and we feel overwhelmed at points. Although these are temporary states of being, how much you have to offer to another person is an important consideration.

As the old saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s okay to change your mind. The most important person in your life is yourself. However, don’t continue to play with your date’s heartstrings.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t try it if you’re uncertain about dating. If anything, a little sampling can do you some good. But don’t continue to act interested or pursue the person several dates in if things aren’t feeling right to you. 

The talking stage 

The prospect of one-on-one communication has drastically changed throughout different eras with some of them better than others.

iMessage can be rather informal, but it’s way faster than a carrier pigeon. Still, I think modern forms of communication are both a blessing and a curse when it comes to relationships. 

Texting and FaceTiming are great tools to keep in touch, but they’re also breeding grounds for false senses of intimacy.

You can talk, text, call or chat all day every day, but failing to carry out plans or meet up in-person can result in some long-term relationship damage.

The person you’re seeing may be sweet and flirty over the phone, but could fail to connect with you in real life.

As a rule of thumb, you can never go wrong by being mindful of your communication. If you feel like you might not be interested, don’t feel obligated to reach out as much. Still, make sure you communicate that you aren’t looking for anything serious and keep the topics of conversation more casual. 

Don’t ghost people, don’t leave them hanging and certainly don’t be dishonest about where things are going. 

Dates and such

Everyone makes such a big deal about going on dates when you’re not in a relationship. The usual protocol is that each date is meant to get you one step closer to achieving that official status or truly assessing how well you vibe together. 

I like to think of first dates as a “free trial.”  Your card number isn’t on file, obliging you to continue seeing one another again if it’s not really working out. 

Second and third dates fall into the same category. However, the more dates you go on and the more invested they become may indirectly signify the way things will progress. 

Let’s go back to what I said about introspection earlier. After your first two dates, you should start to get a sense of how much you like the person and how much time you have to develop the fling into the real thing. 

Remember, you can really like someone as a person and still not want to get involved with them romantically. You can also just spend time together as friends, but be sure to make that clear.

My point

I have a lot of faith in human intuition. When you know you like someone and can see a future with them, you know! 

What stops us from being clear about these intentions is the natural fear of commitment or getting hurt. It’s this pivotal factor that diminishes our communication skills. 

Let me just say that learning to love involves wearing a lot of hats — not masks. Don’t pretend to be interested in something you’re not — and don’t dance around dating with excuses. 

Make your intentions clear. No, you don’t need to stand outside their window with a boombox or send them a marriage proposal via messenger pigeon — just say what you feel. Transparency and authenticity is key.

More Articles

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*