Dear Abby: I’m 19, and I’ve never had my first kiss or been in a long-term relationship. Do you have any advice for somebody looking to be in a long-term relationship who isn’t interested in dating apps or hookup culture?
Let me tell you a secret: no matter how sexually confident someone comes across — and no matter how many people they’ve kissed or hooked up with — deep down, most of us are all experiencing one major feeling — doubt.
Everyone questions their level of experience in some capacity, so you’re not alone in this. Still, college is the largest realm of hookups and crazy party stories — so it might seem like everyone is just making out all the time — but I can promise you it’s not really like that.
I had these same thoughts at 18. I hated feeling like I was on the world’s longest “no-kiss” list. The one thought at the front of my mind was, “what’s wrong with me?”
In an oversaturated dating-app driven society chalk full of quick hook-ups and casual dating, I couldn’t help but wonder— how is a newcomer to the dating world meant to secure a meaningful relationship?
Put down the phone
Let me be vulnerable here and share that I didn’t have my first kiss until the second semester of my college experience. I felt that in the race of finding my forever person, I was still stuck at the starting line, legs too shaky to even start the race.
Then there’s social media, which definitely doesn’t help. It’s a highlight reel of perfectly posed couple pics, making you wonder if you’re the only one not holding hands over avocado toast. In reality, most of these relationships aren’t anywhere near as picture-perfect as they seem on Instagram — but the feeling of being left out doesn’t magically disappear
Even hanging out with friends and their boyfriends may send a twinge of jealousy down your spine — and I’m here to tell you that’s normal. It’s not wrong to want to feel loved.
My suggestion? Put down the phone — in more ways than one.
I personally don’t hate dating apps, and I have a lot of friends who have gotten long term relationships from Hinge and Tinder. Still, I recognize a lot of what you do see there is creepy people looking for a quick hookup.
However, it’s important to recognize that if you don’t want to test the waters of dating apps, you’re going to have to put yourself out there organically.
Approach someone who you think is cute and ask for their number. Have friends set you up. I mean, try scouting out the cuties in your classes or clubs — ask them out!
There’s no guarantee that anyone you meet will be looking for something serious and long-term, but the fear of that should not stop you from trying all together.
Friends first
One thing I wish I knew before getting into my first ever relationship is that it’s OK to be just friends first. In fact, my only diss to dating apps is that it completely spoils the opportunity to start off as just friends.
There’s nothing wrong with a slow build. You don’t have to kiss someone just to get it over with or to lock them in. I think there’s something to be said about leaving a little mystery sometimes.
If you can befriend the person first, you’ll know from the jump whether you’re compatible or not — and if you can stand being in a room with them. I find that most relationships built on this principle tend to last even longer.
Use your words
We’re all adults in college — stop playing eye tag or being a secret Instagram stalker and just go for it! Okay, don’t go professing your love for strangers in your class, but as I always say — be direct with how you feel.
Don’t be afraid to go up and strike a conversation with someone you’re interested in. Even if you manage to just get a seat next to them in class, throw out a little small talk. If you’re comfortable with it, you can give the one thing everyone likes to receive: a compliment! Again, nothing crazy, just maybe a “I like your style.”
If the relationship is a bit more evolved, don’t be afraid to straight up ask someone out. They could say no, but they could also say yes. If you’re trying to move your feet off the starting line, now is your chance.
The best kind of love comes when you stop pining for it
I know what you’re thinking: “Easy for you to say, Ask Abby!”
Yes, on paper, the idea of love just waltzing by and hitting you on the head seems easier than how it actually happens in real life. But let me be the one to say that finding real love starts with yourself.
I’m not being cliche. I used to be so caught up on the fact that I had never been asked out that I was trapped in this constant cycle of trying to be likeable. I had built up all the reasons in my head why people found me unfit for love that I completely neglected all the good qualities about myself.
It took me until after my very first breakup to realize I am full of love. We all are.
Being linked to someone romantically doesn’t increase or change that amount because the love we share with others starts from within.
You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and you might face some situations that just don’t work out. But, let me be the first to say you are far more likely to find the right one when you live and love for yourself first.
