Dear Abby: I feel like a horrible person, but I have a crush on someone. I am in a two-year-long committed relationship, and it’s super stable and secure. My boyfriend is a great guy, but I have a crush on my friend — and I can’t deny it. I suppose I’m just waiting for divine intervention or for the universe to figure this out for me. However, I wonder if my boyfriend is truly my person, shouldn’t I not feel anything for anyone else?
It’s definitely a tough conundrum you have there.
Having a crush is so interesting, because it’s so innately human. We’re naturally curious about others, and sometimes, that curiosity leads us to feel an almost magnetic pull toward someone. It’s an attraction that can’t always be explained. Sometimes, it’s just because we think they’re cute, and other times, it feels like something more divine is pulling us closer.
The tricky part is that, in the end, a true crush has one goal — to eventually blossom into something more. For some, it’s an exciting first step. But for others, crushes might get stuck in a never-ending “talking stage,” or they might fizzle out completely.
I get it — it’s tough. The more I think about relationships and crushes, I can’t help but wonder: is it possible to love two people at once?
The power of observation
When I talk about loving two people at once, I don’t mean it in a polyamorous way. What I really mean, is that when we use the term “love” in a romantic sense, we mean it as both a feeling and a commitment.
Thinking before you react is the best route to take in a love triangle. I mean, if you go to the store and see a shiny, new object, you don’t throw your entire shopping list away to buy it. Instead, you might just make a mental note: “That’s interesting, but I already have everything I need.”
Sometimes, you just need to ride this wave of emotions.
People and relationships change
Now, if your boyfriend is a great guy and treats you well, why does this crush on your friend feel so complicated?
I think you should look at it like this: your boyfriend brings out one side of you — the familiar, loving, deeply trusting side. However, your friend brings out something different, and it might be tapping into a more spontaneous or adventurous part of you.
The excitement of something new and different can feel intoxicating, even if you have no intention of leaving your boyfriend. It’s not necessarily about the friend being better — it’s about the emotional variety they offer in your life.
What you need to do is learn to differentiate these feelings — not just in your head but also in your heart.
Where’s the spark?
Sometimes, the lightbulb in relationships needs to be changed. You can be going out with someone for so long that things seem to be hitting a lull, but that isn’t always a bad thing.
If you’ve tried to revive things, but it still doesn’t feel right, it might be time to let go and find a new source of light. The key is to listen to your gut and decide if the relationship is still growing with you. If your answer to that is leaning more towards no, then perhaps it’s time for a change.
When you first get involved with someone, everything feels like sunshine and lollipops. Love is like a drug in that way. The pursuit of the chase is something that keeps us all on our toes in the beginning, but it’s the undeniable passion we have for one another, to see the relationship through, that keeps it going.
The truth is, you can be dating the nicest and sweetest guy in the world, but that doesn’t mean he’s the one for you. If love was the only thing needed to maintain a relationship, no one would ever break up.
I think what you need to hear is that you can’t immediately unlove someone — unless you never loved them in the first place. You may never dislike or hate your boyfriend, even if you realize your friend is the one for you.
Investments versus commitments
The most common thing I hear from girlfriends who have left their past boyfriends is that time played a huge factor. I mean, they couldn’t imagine breaking up with someone they invested years into. However, I dislike it when people look at relationships as investments rather than commitments.
We don’t like to give up on “investments” or things we have put time and effort into. In a way, it feels almost like a “waste.”
But, love given is never wasted. Each bit of it is meaningful and life-changing in some way.
I guess what I mean is, don’t feel trapped by the time aspect. These same girlfriends of mine have realized after that they wasted even more time in a relationship they weren’t crazy about.
My point
So, no, you’re not a bad person for having a crush — I mean, it’s just plain human of you. But it does raise a question about why you feel this way.
Normally we seek out the things in our life we are lacking. What in your current relationship are you not getting that is making you feel like you need something new?
I think you need to sit with that and really understand not why these feelings arose, but rather why they remain persistent. If it’s something you’re still thinking about today, it could be something that follows you for the rest of your life — so don’t let it.
