Dear Abby: I don’t know what all my friends are so mad about. Basically, I brought my boyfriend to brunch last weekend, and now everyone is upset with me. I just love spending time with him. What’s the harm in him tagging along?
Yikes. I can see both angles, really, but I’m going to have to side with your friends on this one. In relationships, there always has to be space to breathe, and bringing your boyfriend to brunch uninvited kind of suffocates things.
I can’t blame you completely — we live in a society that has made making your partner fulfill multiple roles in your life the norm. There’s this weird fixation that your partner can be it all, and it makes you never want to leave their side.
Even if your boyfriend is super nice and lovely, that’s not the point.
The idea here is that there is a time and place for everything. If we’re supposed to have separation between church and state, then let’s apply that doctrine to boyfriends and best friends.
On the other hand, you might be thinking — if this is the person we’re super serious about, shouldn’t they automatically be at the top of our list?
The more I thought about it, I couldn’t help but wonder if your significant other should be everything to you?
Don’t be the velcro partner
Let’s be real. We undoubtedly have a different relationship with our best friends than we do with our partners. The love is always there, but there’s just a difference in how open we can feel discussing certain topics in one or the other’s presence.
A lot of my girlfriends and I discuss our relationships when we all get together, but also other life happenings. No, it’s not always gossip. We just debrief the good, the ugly and our random weekly qualms.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you might think you would tell your partner anything. But there are just some things they wouldn’t be able to understand in the same way.
No one wants to talk about how Brad wouldn’t let you go out to girls’ night two weeks ago if Brad is sitting across from them, sipping on a mimosa with the girls.
Bringing your partner to every dinner, party or casual hangout — no matter how much you love them — can throw off the balance.
To your friends, it’s like showing up to a book club with someone who hasn’t read a single chapter. They don’t know the history, the characters or the drama — suddenly they’re in the room for all the plot twists.
There’s a difference between sharing your life and outsourcing your social calendar. Some moments are meant for the people who’ve actually been part of the story.
It’s just a good rule of thumb to separate your friendships from your romantic partners.
You should be able to be social, independent and still have a good time. If not, you might be unknowingly neglecting your friends for your significant other.
Here’s how to deal with that friend
There are two sides to every story, in the same way that there are two sides to every relationship.
Sometimes, our friends struggle with the fact that they have to share us with a new romantic partner, and may struggle to cope with not being the object of all our spare time. But it’s not wrong to devote a lot of time and effort to nurturing a romantic partnership.
However, there are outright just the people who forget about their friends completely, or when it’s “convenient” for them once they get swept up in a relationship.
If you have a friend like this, you simply need to stop inviting them to places.
It can be hard, but you have to set a boundary between you and their partner. Inviting someone like a boyfriend to dinner plans without specifying beforehand shows a clear lack of care for your friendship.
My point is that you shouldn’t be third-wheeling the plans you set up — that’s just crazy. You need to tell your friend how you feel and tell them to get their act together.
If they can’t offer you at least an hour of their undivided attention for a little outing, I think that speaks volumes about where you fall in their orbit of importance.
How important should our partners actually be to us?
Now I know what you’re thinking: “But Abby! If this is the person I’m going to marry and possibly spend the rest of my life with, why is it wrong that I want to spend so much time with them?”
The other day I saw this TikTok and the user made a joke about people who say “All you do is hangout with your boyfriend” to which she replied something along the lines of, “God forbid my boyfriend doubles as my best friend.”
Now this got me thinking. In one sense, it’s a gift when your partner is also your best friend — but that closeness should never come at the cost of your own identity.
A healthy relationship honors your wholeness, not your willingness to shrink. You are not meant to orbit someone else’s world — you’re meant to move fully in your own.
Part of that means nurturing the other loves in your life — your friendships, your family and the people who’ve held space for you long before romance entered the room. Your partner can be a priority, but they should never be your only one.
But above all, something I’ve begun to internalize this semester, in particular, is that you always have to be the most important person in your life. You are going to love and show love to so many different people, but you always have to come first.
You are not half a person. Love should never make you feel smaller in order to feel whole. Always remember that.
