Popsturbation: “How Grinch” cast “Patriot” and Stamos away

Anthony: Dave, wake up!

Dave: Huh, what?

A: “The Patriot” has been nominated for best representation of the American Revolution — a revolution against large UFOs and giant lizards by the ticket buying public. Actually, it is up for best cinematography. But let’s talk about “Gladiator.” This film has been nominated for 12 awards. That’s right, 12. “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” has been robbed, receiving merely two nominations. It’s unfair to the other films nominated for best makeup. Jim Carrey has everybody fooled. He has the same disease Michael Jackson has. Soon Carrey will be nothing but a blob of moss. John Stamos isn’t happy, not happy at all.

D: If Stamos had exuded just one quarter of Russell Crowe’s badassery in “Born to Ride” (tagline: “He was born to break the rules.”), he wouldn’t be stuck singing bad Beach Boys covers and living in Bob Saget’s pool house. Mike Love is already a blob of moss.

A: Stamos is a lover, not a fighter. He has Rebecca, all Crowe has are weird kidnapping threats, Meg Ryan’s phone number and Dennis Quaid’s broken glass eye.

D: The other big story this year had to be Puff Daddy. But he wasn’t in any movies, now was he? So my attention is going to have to shift to “Cast Away.” Tom Hanks, a volleyball, and a lime-flavored Robert Zemekis Jell-O mold for two and a half hours. Though I prefer blue gelatin.

A: Hell, now that I think about it, I wasn’t in any movies this year either. I’m going to have to call my agent. Tom Hanks snags a role acting opposite an inanimate object, and I’m stuck in an overly humidified room by myself writing this article, pretending I’m talking with you.

D: Hey, watch it, I’m still in your head you know. Acting opposite a volleyball for an hour and a half in between acting opposite Helen Hunt is pretty much par for the course. There are reasons for suicide-testing dummies. And I really liked Hanks in his John the Baptist garb.

A: Would you believe that over an hour’s worth of footage was cut before the theatrical release? Hopefully it will all make it to DVD. I can’t wait to see Tom Hanks turn on his buddy Peter Scolari and dine on his boyish charms. Speaking of dinner, its nice to know that Willem Dafoe’s rat eating skills haven’t gone unnoticed.

D: Dafoe seems to have an obsession with characters that rise from the dead — first Jesus Christ, now Nosferatu. I enjoyed the way he played up the dark humor associated with all movies that star John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe. Throw in a little Eddie Izzard for good measure, and BAM! you’re a vampire in high heels, dammit.

A: But enough talk about these low budget independent films. “The Patriot,” “The Grinch” and “Cast Away” don’t deserve nearly as much attention as, say, “Traffic” or that foreign martial arts movie, “Crotch in Tiger, Pooping Bear.” Hee hee.

D: I’m not even going to acknowledge that comment. “Traffic:” grainy film stock, an all-star cast and not one shot of Micheal Douglas’ bare ass. What’s not to like? However, Soderbergh is facing himself with “Erin Brockovich.”

A: A n all-star cast, decent script and multiple shots of Julia’s cleavage. Who would not love that?

D: “Traffic” has Don Cheadle and Miguel Ferrer, the guy who invented “Robocop.”

A: Don’t forget Benicio Del Toro, who’s being featured in this same installment of the Muse. It’s a riveting piece, written by young, robust Jonathan Hill. It made me laugh, cry and purchase fresh cauliflower in the name of the Lord. Articles such as this are available in every edition of the Muse, which is featured in every Thursday printing of The Daily Free Press, now available for delivery to your doorstep for a nominal monthly fee.

D: A piss poor poop joke and now shameless promotion. Is this what I pay you for? That’s it. I’m done with this damn column.

A: Dave, don’t, we have to. Besides, we’re not even half through the word quota yet.

D: Well, you just keep complaining and soon we will.