MARASCO: The Dog Days

Oh the beauty of summer – time off, sunshine, beach, travel – all great things of course.

But like the guy or gal who seems to have it all, only to have that one nasty secret, so too does summer have that one ugly flaw – the black hole that is summer sports.

How could the season synonymous with the outdoors be so bereft of interesting athletic competition? Alas, the tragic irony.

Well there’s golf. … I laughed a little just writing that.

My 90-year-old grandfather has trouble sleeping at night, so he takes two Benadryl and turns on the Golf Channel to conk himself out.

Baseball? America’s pastime! But the MLB in the dead of summer … Bleh.

You know that friend who sits in the exact same spot on the sofa everyday, playing video games? You go to his place, leave, come back 3 days later and they’re in the exact same spot, killing the same zombies.

“You’re still playing?!” you say to them. The MLB is that friend.

Baseball needs to get out of the house and do something more interesting with its summer.  The season is just too long, hot, sweaty and tedious.

April baseball – it’s new.  I love it.  September, October – there’s drama.  It’s great television.  July, August – I’d rather just go to the beach.

But forget golf and baseball.  This summer is so much different.  London 2012!

Face palm.

You know that guy who’s a huge New York Giants fan every couple years? Coincidentally, when they’re playing in the Super Bowl. The “die-hard” Olympics fan is that guy.

They watch one swim meet every four years, then post a Facebook status and Tweet 30 times about Ryan Lochte.

But, hey, I would never be one to tell you to let that guy ruin the Olympics for you.  The problem is, the Olympics ruin themselves for you. These are actual events from the 2012 Olympics: speed walking, badminton, synchronized swimming (of which makeup plays a crucial role),“rhythmic” gymnastics (dancing with toys) … I can’t bear to name any more.

I think the ancient Greeks would projectile vomit if they saw what we’ve done to the Olympics. Is hula-hoop twirling really the pinnacle of sport?

But you’re afraid to think that because you CAN’T question anything about the Olympics … or else you’re a big jerk. People always say, “But that event is kinda cool,” or “Don’t you know how hard those athletes work?”

The world’s largest ball of yarn is “kinda cool”, but it’s not in the Olympics.  My parents work hard, but they’re not in the Olympics.

What about the medal count?  You know, that thing Olympic fanatics get obsessed with. (Olympic diehards, please sit down before continuing to read.)

It’s meaningless.

Not all medals were created equal (e.g. speed walking), and events don’t share equal medal distribution.

Have one great swimmer – your country wins 87 gold medals.  Have the world’s best basketball or soccer team – your country wins one. The countries who rack up the most medals have the most time and money to waste, along with huge populations to aid that process.

But, still, I’m not supposed to question someone watching the Olympic brownie bake-off … because it affects medal count.

The watered-down schedule, with its ridiculous and laughable events, makes it a complete farce in terms of “elite athletic competition.”  It’s more like a pageant – a dog and pony show (there were indeed horses in the various Equestrian events).

Take the Royal Wedding, for example.  Sure, it’s a marriage of “nobility,” but monarchs don’t have any actual power.  It’s just a superficial, meaningless event. It’s a celebrity marriage.

That’s the Olympics.  It’s 101 niche sports that you’ve never heard of, and no one plays … then people get medals.  Hooray.

I don’t care about pageants. I didn’t care about the Royal Wedding.  I don’t care about the Olympics.

If you enjoy that kind of thing, by all means go crazy – watch the yo-yo championship. That’s your prerogative.

I just think the Olympics could and should be a whole lot better – you deserve better.

But if you admit to not caring about the Olympics (as I do), you get the drones of people who yell and throw things at you – “What? You didn’t watch the shoe-tying final last night?! How can you not care? Do you hate America?!”

Ugh.  Leave me alone.  I must look elsewhere for my sports fix. But there’s nowhere to turn … tennis and NFL training camps – major eye roll.

What’s with all the videos of NFL players running around shirtless this year, by the way? I can’t turn on ESPN without seeing Tim Tebow or Terrell Owens, two players that already get a disgusting excess of press time, flashing their pecs. When ESPN turns to shirtless men to attract an audience, you can be sure they’re fishing for stories.

As far as sports go – wake me up in the fall. I get the NFL, NBA and NHL.  I get the MLB playoffs. Not to mention college football, basketball and, yes, hockey.

I get to see a new crop of Terrier recruits. I get to see if BC can be rudely knocked off its pedestal.

Students have the summer off. Working adults get vacation time to be used during the summer months.

Sports work hard all year. They entertain us plenty from fall through spring. Why don’t they just take the summer off too? I can’t bear to see them like this.