HOFBERG: Queen of Ranting

I’m good at ranting.

In fact, ranting is what got me hired at The Daily Free Press in the first place. Last year, at about this time, I wrote 800 words bitching about how much I hate Pumpkin Spice Lattes, or any other heinously and artificially flavored “coffee” beverage for that matter. Not long after, I was offered a position as a regular columnist.

Sometimes, I marvel at the fact that I have friends at all, because all I do is rant.

And then I remember that, for the most part, my column has earned me more enemies than anything.

Enemies? Yep.

Girl Scout Cookie enthusiasts think I’m “un-American” because I think Thin Mints taste like stale wax, are a sad excuse for baked goods and that mass sales perpetuate unhealthy eating habits in our society.

Apparently, my distaste for horrid 7-11-esque seasonal coffee beverages makes me “…an obtuse hipster who seemingly values no capacity for sophistication.” I’m still trying to figure out what’s more sophisticated about drinking an over-sweetened, filmy gingerbread-flavored latte rather than just a regular cup of coffee, but to this day, I’m still at a loss.

Oh, and my opinions about the blatant mistreatment of gays by mainstream American religions make me “intolerant” and having been personally unaffected by the “War on Women” makes my commentary “pointless” and “self-serving.”

I’m not going to say the responses to my column in the form of name-calling don’t sting, because, to be honest, sometimes they do. But I also won’t say that sometimes they aren’t deserved because, to be honest, sometimes they are.

But I’ve got to say, if I’m writing columns every week that piss people off enough to inspire them to leave a disgruntled response, then I must be doing something right. I’d much rather be writing columns that make people think I’m “pathetic” rather than some vanilla column that inspires no discussion or controversy in my audience.

I sometimes wonder about the commentary that I would receive if I published a piece about the things that really grind my gears, like, how much I hate your dog. Because I really do hate your dog. Every. Time.

But where’s the story in that piece?

This weekly column space that I’ve earned at The Daily Free Press is because of my ability to write about relevant, newsworthy and relatable topics in an informed and well-researched manner. It isn’t a personal blog space where I can just publish pieces about the pedestrian trials and tribulations of my day-to-day life. No, I’m not given 800 words every week to just write about the things I hate. If that was the case, I would have written a piece about how much I hate your kids a very long time ago.

I’m curious to know if my critics wonder how much work actually goes in to writing a column every week?

The hope is that my pieces read like I just sat down at the computer and was able to effortlessly spew out a column about how ridiculous I think you fellas look when you wear workout shoes with your jeans, but, actually, it’s never that easy.

In fact, my columns take me days to write. After I decide on a topic, I sit at the computer staring at statistics and related news stories until my eyes feel like they’re bleeding. And then I have to choose an angle, organize my research and decide how I’m going to present it.

I type a sentence. And then I delete it. Type another sentence. And delete it again.
Is this line funny enough?
Is my opinion clear?
Can I get away with writing this?
Am I going to infuriate enough people with this graph?

They’re questions I have to ask myself with the crafting of each line. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting.

Still, the whole days I lose to writing the column are worth it, because ranting and ruffling feathers is what I was born to do. And the hate mail that floods my inbox with the publication of each piece tells me that I’m good at it.

I won’t ever be sorry about publicly bashing my obnoxiously disagreeable roommates or disingenuous ALS bucket challenger participants or overly zealous Christmas enthusiasts. And the beauty of it all is that I don’t have to be, because they are my opinions, and I am entitled to them.

So, while I still have a column space at this publication, I’m going to keep writing and ranting about the things that irritate me the most. And I urge you to keep getting mad. Because I sleep better when you’re pissed off.