FORSTER, GLANDER, SAUER: Heartbakers

Deep within the crevices of your kitchen, next to the pastry blenders and lemon juicers, the avocado slicers and the kiwi peelers, the ice tongs and corncob grips, there dwells another domestic dynamo. Here, the muffin tin and cupcake liners await their future mates, either a sensual soir’eacute;e of sugar and egg whites, or the distinguished debonair of flour and milk. Although arising from an unorganized upbringing, Muffin and Cupcake have each done their part to create their own identity and conjure your cravings. At any time throughout the day, you may hear both of them calling ‘I want to be inside you.’ So which one will you answer? You may have thought about it, but you’ve never fought about it, and that’s where ThingFight comes in.

In the social stratosphere of your neighborhood bakery, Cupcake is the slutty prom queen. She was the girl in high school who had the power to turn you into a sweaty, awkward little boy just by looking at you. If you were a girl, she had the power to turn you into a sweaty, jealous wannabe. Your yearbook’s ‘Most Popular’ section will display Cupcake’s ever-changing fashion sense: a plethora of colored frostings, sugary jimmies and nonpareils. And she never forgets her signature drapery, that decorative liner that leaves most muffins looking (and we’ll try not to sugarcoat it) nude. Cupcake tastes so good without going bad. She stays out all night, she lets boys touch her boobs and she’s loaded with saturated fats. While you think her sweetness will never go stale, deep down you know you could never have a lasting connection with Cupcake; she’s just like all the others. Like the makeup-encrusted hotties that made your high school experience a living hell, there’s nothing below Cupcake’s frosted facade besides that moist, delicious, succulent . . . oh, excuse us. The column. Right.

Cupcake’s frumpier sister fills out that new doily ’til it’s fit to burst at the seams, and that double chin overlapping the collar is hardly Rockette material, but give her a chance to reveal the sweetness inside. When Cupcake’s yeast began to rise and her embarrassing Funfetti began to clear up, all the pastries lost their cool whip, and Muffin turned into the ‘simmer in silence type.’ Every school dance stumble due to her awkward cinnamon bunions: that rejection from the dreamy foreign exchange student Napoleon, those nights Muffin would lock herself in the bathroom and try on Cupcake’s swirly ‘do and rainbow sprinkles; it’s all festered into little tumors of juicy fruity flavor explosions. Sure she’s nothing special, just tampered baked goods, but her time spent in the oven has given her an aged and hardened crust that makes her emotionally softened insides the stuff of nutritional satiation. Real pastries have nerves.

Like all home-style girls, if prompted for a date, Muffin may make you meet her mom. Be warned, her family is anything but well-balanced; her royal aunt, the English Muffin, has no problem showing her crumpets everywhere from here to Great Britain, and her greasy Irish grandfather, Egg McMuffin, has wandered his fair share of streets looking for some easy-baked treats. Muffin’s deceptively unwholesome family may make it hard to work up an appetite, but her on-the-town attire will make your mouth start watering again. Albeit rare, and less flashy than Cupcake’s club wear, Muffin can be seen sporting some sugar crystals or honey bran bunches on special occasions.

Your experience with Cupcake will be much less involved. Expect to wait in her apartment’s lobby while she determines what style sprinkle will best suit the season and what garnish to top it all off. Always unsatisfied, her conversation will be as cold as her icing, and she’ll want to try to get into clubs that even wedding cakes can’t get into. Although you’ll try to savor the night, in no time you’ll be peeling down her decorative liner and left wanting more.

When it comes down to it, people like Cupcake because she is easy. She’s pretty, she’s extravagant and she’s melt-in-your mouth. You can basically expect to have her right after dinner. Muffin, however, has more integrity, more diversity and more whole grains. Therefore, we are going to need to declare Muffin our winner, and our girlfriend. Sure, Cupcake is great for a one-night stand, and the next morning she might even make you breakfast. But Muffin will do one better ‘-‘- she’ll be your breakfast.