MARK: To date a Fat Guy

When it comes to courtship, the traditional “date” has all but vanished, and I find the alternatives to be a little depressing.

Let me clarify: If you’ve been in a relationship with someone for three months and then take them out one night, that’s not a “date.” Dinner with someone you’d like to be in a relationship with is a date. And I’m saying that this kind of social interaction has almost vanished for our generation — along with the sex lives of people who use the words “social interaction.” Our generation has a radically different structure of socialization, and for fat guys, it’s made the possibility for romantic relationships a rarity.

These days there are only about two places for people between the ages of 21 and 25 to meet — bar or club. Where else are we supposed to meet new people? Parties? All the people I’d ever want to go to a party with I met before I was 20. Classes? I generally alienate people in my classes because of my condescending tone. I hear that some people take cooking classes to meet new people. But I already know how to cook — it’s one of the main reasons I’m fat. As for the gym, I’ve been perfectly clear about how I feel about gyms. My point is that if you want to meet someone special, it appears your only choice is White Horse or T’s.

What’s interesting is how this has affected relationships, and more specifically, the way in which relationships start. In the past, the process was pretty tame, a fact I learned from my dad. In his day, you’d take a girl to a movie a couple times, then you get some food once or twice — and before you knew it, you were married with two kids, a house in Scarsdale and a monthly ticket on the Metro North. There’s something so predictable and safe about this. It’s ritualistic and cookie-cutter, and also seemingly bland — which is why some people might consider it boring. But the way in which our generation has tried to fix the dating game is just so bizarre. Random hook-ups are exciting, but as for starting a relationship, they’re the social equivalent to spilling your drink and refusing to get paper towels.

I know people who consider themselves in “serious relationships” because they hooked up in StuVi more than six times. We’ve turned into a culture in which relationships can be manufactured with two shots and a Rihanna song. My own roommate and his girlfriend are one such example — they’ve been together for two years. And I’d like to say that the two of them are soulmates and that it was destiny that brought them together. Soulmates? Maybe. Destiny? Only if that’s another word for vodka. Their relationship started with a random hook-up in someone’s living room sophomore year. That’s the story they’ll end up telling their kids.

The random hook-up poses a serious threat to the romantic lives of fat guys everywhere. Why? Random hook-ups are based purely on physical appearance. And fat guys are playing a desperate game of catch-up in that department — you won’t find too many fat guys hooking with sorority girls under the dim lighting of Tavern in the Square. Still, what we lack in physical appeal we make up for in other areas, which is why the demise of the traditional date is such a tragedy for fatties.

There are two things you need to understand. The first is that entering a relationship is like making an investment. When you’re first getting into the relationship you’re trying to convince the other person that you are worth their affection. The second is that physical appearance is not synonymous with physical attractiveness. You could be born looking like Mick Jagger but if you have something that makes you interesting, you could be the most attractive person in the room. How do you think Kevin Smith snagged Jennifer Swalbach? The traditional date was the place that fat guys could make themselves attractive to a nice young lady — it gave them a chance to state their case. The bland, ritualistic date was the forum where fat guys could show another person how charming, funny, interesting and sexy they could be. But with the decline of traditional dates, we are forced to try and play a game we will always lose. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be that way.

I know tons of girls who would love it if a guy were to ask them on a date. I may not know much, but I know that girls like gestures that let them know they aren’t just another notch on the belt. So there’s only one explanation as to why the random hook-up has been allowed to take over. Real Gentlemen are either too scared or too ignorant to ask girls out. For fat guys, it’s the latter reason. We are both scared of rejection and scared to break with the cultural norm. We’ve learned that this is what people our age do, but only because we haven’t given the fairer sex another option. For once, fat guys have the chance to lead the charge — instead of wheezing and gasping for breath at the back of the pack. All it takes is a little more courage to show the ladies there’s more to romance than making out on a dirty couch in someone’s apartment. Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just shy. Trust me, act like a gentleman and you’ll snag a lady.

Sandor Mark is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, and a weekly columnist for the Daily Free Press. He can be reached at smark@bu.edu.