With Valentine’s Day around the corner, love is in the air. And, assuming we’re all following CDC guidelines, it’s the only thing in the air.
I have an interesting relationship with Valentine’s Day. I think it’s one of the dumbest, most arbitrary holidays that only benefits capitalism. However, since my time writing for my high school newspaper, it generates a lot of creative inspiration in my little pea-sized brain. Maybe it’s because I’m always horny, maybe it’s because I watched a lot of “The Millionaire Matchmaker” at too young of an age. Who knows.
Whatever the reason, I know for a fact I’m qualified to serve up some wisdom on this consumer-dependent holiday that forces people across the globe to go out of their comfort zone to express or proclaim their love for another individual. This week, our question is simply put:
My dear friend, for you, I could write a thesis. But in short, just be your cute ol’ self, and every five-foot-three, “Psych”-loving sorority girl will be swooning. Not that you seem to have a “type” or anything.
But if you happen to not be the person who sent in this question, I’ve got some universally applicable tips guaranteed to spark romance and spice up your world this Valentine’s Day.
We’re in a pandemic this V-Day, so facilitating any kind of celebration might seem impossible. But fret not, singles. If you don’t already have a Valentine, go on a “blind date” using a completely safe, non-sketchy video chat platform, like Omegle. Not only is this a fun, socially distanced way to celebrate, but there is a very, very, VERY good chance you’ll be matched up with a stranger who’s also feeling, uh… it?
If you’re not into video sex with strangers, going to the hospital is the next best thing you can do to get a Valentine. Hear me out: I needed treatment for some health issues last December and was incidentally admitted to the hospital the week of Christmas. I mean it in complete sincerity when I say it was one of the best Christmases ever. My nurse, Connor, treated me so well simply because I was the “sick kid” on a day that’s supposed to bring nothing but joy. If that man showered me in candy and stuffed animals on Christmas, imagine the lengths hospital staff members would go to to make sure you have a special Valentine’s Day.
Not feeling either of those choices? Be your own Valentine. Who needs other people to feel loved? Not you.
I hope you have a happy Valentine’s Day. And remember: the mask stays on during sex.
