Aries (March 21 to April 19)
This month, you’ll take on a new diet that allows you to eat whatever you want and gives you a brand spakin’ new “irritable bowel syndrome” diagnosis.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
A life-changing experience will take place on the 19th. Unfortunately, it’ll be life-changing in that it’ll prevent you from being able to have any life experiences ever again.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Go with your gut — the stars think you would, in fact, have a better quality of life if you spent the majority of your time asleep.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
An overwhelming combination of pride and horror will strike you this month when you learn you’ve been drafted to be launched to Mars completely naked for a NASA Instagram Live.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Leos are loud and proud, so you’ll be thrilled upon receiving the opportunity to stand on a street corner in the Chick-fil-A cow costume with an “Eat Mor Chikin” sign, screaming at passersby for the rest of your adult life.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
After some major introspection, you’ll learn on the 17th that grilled cheese is your soulmate after all.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
A birdwatching accident will leave you one less eye but with a hell of a lot more respect for middle-aged women who own binoculars.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
The stars have decided it’d be better to leave you out of the loop this month.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Congrats! The stars have confirmed that all Sagittariuses are eligible to receive the highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine. However, a disorganized injection technician will get you cross-faded on a Moderna-Pfizer hybrid.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Success will find you on the 25th, but you’ll be too busy in a Zoom call to notice.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
You’ll come into a great deal of money on the 19th, but will also be arrested for robbing a bank. Maybe you should go for a more discreet costume next time because that yellow cowboy hat was a little conspicuous.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)
Who doesn’t love a good Taco Tuesday? Well, Pisces is about to find out about Tiger Tuesday first hand. The stars’ only tip is to make sure you don’t smell like steak.