Columns, Opinion

TAMOLA: Give Me All the Woofers

The worst thing about people is their ability to talk. Just kidding!…Sort of. But really, nobody likes somebody who has something negative to say about everybody. There’s always that person that can find fault with a kidney donor or Mother Theresa. Cause you know, they’re perfect, and you’re… not.

That’s why I love dogs. Dogs don’t speak! They only bark and sniff and stuff, all with love. They do all things with love.

Let Jesus take the wheel and pull the emergency brake if I’m doing anything important and a dachshund enters my line of vision. You KNOW I’m abandoning all responsibilities and running after that dog while fighting back happy tears. This is [some (my mother) would argue “unfortunately”] a genuine statement.

Let me offer a logical presentation on why I’m obsessed with the woofers. It’s like, science y’all.

  1. Dogs are basically the only creatures that love you unconditionally. You slept through a class and feel like garbage? Sheldon (future dog name #1) still loves you. You went home and made out with that guy from high school who is insanely inappropriate and immature? Google (future dog name #2) passes no judgment, and STILL wants to snuggle. Even if you’re committing tax fraud or pirating Leonardo DiCaprio movies, your dog still thinks the world of you! Dog is God backwards y’all so don’t you forget it.

  2. I touched on this before, but I feel it’s important to once again highlight the fact that dogs can’t speak any human language. This is much appreciated. Dogs can’t spew vitriol about you, or anyone else for that matter. They just aren’t programmed to hate. The puppies also can’t break your heart. Your golden retriever isn’t going to sleep with your sister, you know?

  3. They’re a great alternative to producing human spawn. Guess who doesn’t have to go to a $200,000 college? YOUR DOG! Guess who you can’t mess up emotionally and doom to a lifetime of therapy (unless you’re a terrible person and try really, really hard)? YOUR DOG AGAIN! You’re going to save so much money that you can spend on tequila, which you can drink when your parents start asking you when you’re going to grow up and actually have kids.

  4. This is a bold statement, but I would say many, if not most people, enjoy dogs. Even the most mature or unapproachable people can be found YouTube searching “pug puppy video.”

  5. They’re just great, okay? They’re the best. I really want a dog.

What if you’re a cat person? I respect that. I’m eternally grateful to cats, as I’ve had really memorable experiences with the species.

Before my grandmother got really sick, she adopted a fluffy cat that resembled a Hostess yellow cupcake. I LOVED NICHOLAS. I used to speed-walk follow him around the house and beg him for attention and love (which seems to be a theme with me and the male existences). I even made Nicholas a Xanga page, www.xanga.com/nicholas_the_king, because Nicholas was a king, obviously. We had to give him away, but he went on his way to live on a really pretty farm. So he essentially got to give himself lick-baths and sleep all day in the suburban sun.

Then in high school, I met a kitty named Mo. Mo actually resembled a chocolate Hostess cupcake. His tummy was white, and the rest of his body was black. Mo had thyroid issues, so I had to give him his meds. Mo wasn’t really feeling that though. One time, I followed him around his apartment for three hours. I crushed up his pill and put it in his food…he ate around the pill remnants and then emitted a look that read, “Really?”

Then I got down on all fours and started begging him to take his meds. When I stood up, Mo cocked his head back and then lunged his entire body onto my uniform kilt. He then made that hissing sound I thought only happened in movies or sitcoms. Then he swung from my skirt.

I eventually called my godmother. She came over, extended her hand while holding the pill to Mo, and then he swallowed said pill. Seven seconds elapsed during this interaction.

“I am the cat whisperer,” my godmother said as she left the apartment. I clearly might not be.

My friend Laura is also deathly afraid of the felines, so naturally, I once showed her a video of a screaming cat, and her reaction almost made me pee my pants. Cats have done a lot for my life.

The American Psychological Association cited a study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in July 2011 that stated that people who owned pets experienced benefits including higher self esteem and greater physical fitness, and they were more extraverted, less fearful and less preoccupied. So basically, having a pet makes your life suck a whole lot less.

Every year, according to the Humane Society, 6 to 8 million adoptable cats and dogs enter shelters, and each year, 2.7 million cats and dogs are euthanized. So when you’re financially secure and ready for your life to get better, go adopt a pet! Then post pictures of it on Instagram so I can sob myself to sleep and/or dog-sit and feel nothing but jealousy toward you. Thanks!

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2 Comments

  1. We get it.
    You have a conversational writing style.
    But how many times are you allowed to use the phrase, “Y’all” in one column?
    I think the answer is zero.

  2. We get it. You’re an adult who never really grew out of her adolescent need to put other people down.

    But how many times can you leave rude moments on one person’s FreeP columns?

    I think the answer is zero.