Wednesday is Valentine’s Day. That’s all. I really have nothing new to say about it. I’m not bitter or emo about it, I’m not spending it with someone special, but I’m also not spending it crying in

my room while

watching

John Hughes movies. The truth is: Feb. 14 has never had any significance to me, and I doubt it ever will.

To me, Feb. 14 means decorating shoeboxes and getting novelty socks from my mom. Also the aforementioned John Hughes movie-marathon on TBS. I’m not sure what Valentine’s Day is supposed to mean, but I’ve heard it’s like, boxes of chocolate, and like, roses and like, fancy dinner and stuff. Barf.

I swear I’m not bitter. Even if you do have a date, the day still sucks, right? All that pressure to make everything perfect and sexy and memorable. And all the money spent, and then there’s the ridiculous swag that goes along with the day, like giant stuffed frogs in the window of CVS that are wearing leather jackets reading “You’ve got my heart rockin.” No thank you, I’ll pass. What’s the point? What is the raison d’etre of Valentine’s Day?

“Valentine’s Day is a day to spend with the person you love the most.” Ok, that’s great. But the person I love the most is me. I love me and I am not ashamed of it. I am a narcissist. And being such, I advise for Valentine’s Day, you forgo the traditional route, don’t fret that you don’t have a date. Most people don’t. And I certainly don’t promote the whole self-loathing, all-too-common practice of singles sitting on the couch with a box of bon bons, either. This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to embrace your inner narcissist.

So how does a narcissist celebrate Valentine’s Day? This narcissist is splitting her time between reading about multinational corporations and writing a paper. Simply put, I don’t have time for Valentine’s Day. But if you do, I suggest you spend the evening basking in self-love.

First of all, if you share a room, get your roommate tickets to a movie. You can’t be bothered by other people tonight. This is you time. Once that’s taken care of, you can start your Very Narcissistic Valentine’s Day. For starters, take a nice, long, hot bath, or alternatively, if you’re in the dorms, a shower. Think about how awesome you are. The entire time.

When you get out, order food. I suggest something extravagant. But really, you can get whatever you like, whatever is going to make you happy. Put on some tunes. Towel off, dry your hair, but do not — I repeat, do not — get dressed. Put on some underwear if you like, but you’re about to indulge in a very narcissistic pastime, and clothing is contradictory to the practice. You have a full-length mirror, right? Good.

Strike a pose. Blow yourself a kiss. Look at your reflection, and say, “Dahh-yum.” Repeat, repeat, repeat. Real hardcore narcissists can do this for hours and hours and not get bored. You can also take pictures of yourself — just don’t let them end up on MySpace.com. OK, your food’s probably here now. Go get it.

After chow time, eat the candy your mom sent you. Are you still thinking about how awesome you are? Good. Your roommate’s movie is probably almost over now, so your night is about to come to an end. Lock your door and start cranking Whitesnake, because you are about to have sex with the hottest, smartest, most awesome person you know. And you’re not going to have to fake it or feel awkward about it the next morning.

Woody Allen once said that masturbation is sex with someone you love, and he was absolutely right. It’s also probably the highest expression of narcissism, and thus is the perfect happy ending to your Valentine’s Day. It’s sex with someone you love, and sex with someone you love is a beautiful thing, right? Isn’t that what they say? That sex with someone you love is more special? Well, then tonight is a very special night.

And when you’re done and drifting off to sleep, you can smile to yourself knowing that you just had better sex than the rest of the girls who trotted off to the North End tonight. Because while cards, candy and candles are very nice, no one can do you the way you do.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Meredith Spencer, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at [email protected].