I’m not certain how into the “music biz” Daily Free Press readers are, but I know I am. In fact, I own some albums and sometimes listen to them while perusing the internet gossip columns looking for more interesting facts on Janet Jackson’s piercing thingy and the latest on Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s marriage. I’m going to go ahead and call myself a music connoisseur. So it should be no surprise to anyone that during my daily search for music industry truths and scandals, I stumbled upon a most interesting concept: Terror Rap.
Yes, that’s right, folks, Terror Rap. Apparently, a British rap group that is sympathetic to al-Qaida’s holy war on America has released a video via the internet in an attempt to recruit young Muslims into the organization. The group is called Sheikh Terra and the Soul Salah Crew, and apparently their song “Dirty Kuffar,” which means “Dirty Infidel” (and is not to be confused with Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrty,” which is talking about a whole other kind of dirty, if you catch my drift), is gaining some popularity.
Is it working, turning the Muslim Youth of the United Kingdom into mindless al-Qaida drones? How the hell should I know? I just heard of these guys today. But knowing how the youth loves their music, I wouldn’t be too surprised if young people, Muslim and non-Muslim, are lining up outside their local Islamic Fundamentalist recruiting office and signing themselves up for a front row seat to the holy war.
This new tactic of terror is a grave danger to the well being of the United States. I mean we can barely handle terrorism as it is now, and it doesn’t involve a rapper wearing a ski mask and holding the Koran in one hand and a pistol in the other telling young Muslims to destroy the infidels. So we use brute force and scare tactics to stop terrorism in its physical form, but how can we, as a country stop terrorism in its pure, musical form. I’ll tell you how: We need to form a pop music super group whose goal is to fight terror, in a strictly musical sense.
I’d naturally be in charge of forming this group, with my government ties (I voted once) and my vast musical knowledge (old Elvis was much cooler than new Elvis). I’d have to comb the Billboard Top 100 chart to find hip, relevant acts to form a group even cooler than Temple of the Dog. You guys remember them, right? They sang that Hunger Strike song. Rock out!
The group would naturally be called A.N.T.I.-T.E.R.R.O.R. The hyphen is added in to make it look cool. What does it stand for? Well, since I haven’t figured that out yet, I’ll just make it up right here (kind of like when DVD became digital video disc). So the name stands for Americans Nagging Terrorists Into Terrifying Electric Rooms, Running Out of Reality. Yes, I’m aware it doesn’t make any sense, but the kids will love its long, pretentious-sounding name.
Who would be in the group? All-American Patriots, that’s who would be in the group! The first person that comes to mind is Kid Rock, since he very fashionably wears the American Flag, like any true American should. Next up, we need a little bit of country. The Angry American himself, Toby Keith, would be playing guitar and lending his voice to the group. He gained fame singing lyrics such as, “…we’ll put a boot in your ass; it’s the American Way,” which is basically the message the group is trying to get across here in the first place. Perfect fit if you ask me.
Now, though, we need someone from a whole other demographic. Who better to join the group than America’s sweetheart herself, Britney Spears? Recently she demonstrated what makes America so great with her quickie marriage in Vegas and the speedy annulment of said union. I guess she can sing and dance too (sort of), so she’s in!
There’s one more spot left open, and I think we should fill it with someone who would strike fear into the hearts of terrorists and instill enough patriotic pride in the youth to get them to sign right up for the armed forces. That’s why I think the third spot should go to 50 Cent. I mean we have to have at least one rapper in the group to combat Terror Rap. He even wears that awesome Kevlar vest! In your face, you crappy radical religious rap group! 50 Cent is around 10 times more of a bad ass then your entire little group. So with that, he’s in too.
So truthfully, I don’t know how well these musical styles will meld together. Truth be told, they probably won’t. But I’m sure the kids will love them, their albums and subsequent concert tour will rake in millions and they’ll bring patriotism back to the forefront of the American psyche. Also, the added bonus is the United States would steal some thunder from Sheikh Terra and the Soul Salah Crew. But really, isn’t that the American way? Raise some dough and outdo everyone else. Seriously though, how hard can it be when the rap terrorists are taking their “crew” name from a character from the Indiana Jones movies?
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the
College of Arts and Sciences, is a
weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached by email at