It’s 2 a.m. on a Thursday and I just ended the worst car ride of my life. Being designated driver when all of your friends are going to the Whittier Radisson Hotel Bar isn’t too bad, especially when you think about how boring your home life has become when you go to local hotels to find a bar scene. But having to drive home drunk girls is worse than being hungover the next day.

The Radisson kicked us out at 1 a.m., and I gathered my car passengers. In the car, there was Emotional Friend, Violet, Mad-At-Emotional-Friend Friend, Clarissa and Naked Friend, Jamie, who was the last to show up but at least made a grand entrance running full-speed at the car in clear heels and a Rolling Hills Lacrosse sweatshirt.

As we started to drive away, Jamie saw the owner of said sweatshirt and promptly ripped it off to return it to him. In her haste, she ripped off her mini-dress as well, and we drove away with Jamie wearing only her pink and white lace underwear. There she was, naked, and I was the one on Spring Break.

As I tried to hold back tears of laughter, I heard, “SARAH, I know you think I’m confident and outgoing and rude,”

Rude? Because you’re naked?

“But you, I like you, Sarah, you’re like the best friend.”

This was flattering, but it dawned on me that I had spoken to Jamie a few times before, and she was sitting in my car now, naked, calling me her best friend.

I certainly wasn’t Jamie’s best friend, and I felt sorry for anyone who might have been. Best friends are sometimes fatal in terms of social dos and don’ts. Some can be like Jamie and live out the phrase, “party naked.” Best friends can ruin a party or sometimes even ruin a life. They don’t always live up to the standard of taking care of you when you need it, and often you’re the one doing the taking care of. The things they say can get you into trouble, and the things they do are sometimes your responsibility. They say you pick your friends, but I wish it were that you design your friends. If I had that option, my social life would be a whole lot more bearable.

First and foremost, I would have Drink-Limit Friend. Drink-Limit Friend would miraculously know the tolerance of my drinking level on a given night and would use physical force to make sure that I don’t have a hangover in the morning.

If Drink-Limit Friend decides to be lenient, I would also need Phone-Block Friend. Phone-Block Friend will make sure I don’t drunk dial my mom, as I did so many times freshman year, or drunk dial anyone who I could accidentally invite over and then have to awkwardly kick out when I tell them I wasn’t serious.

Drink-Limit Friend and Phone-Block Friend don’t need to do any serious dirty work, because that responsibility goes to Hot-Guy Friend. I often have strange European men trying to speak to me in Spanish as they grind their shiny pants into my crotch. I’m very Jewish and don’t look Spanish, but since it’s become a problem that I attract this species of men, I definitely need a friend for the quagmire. Hot-Guy Friend will be a guy, and he will have rippling biceps and a strong jaw line. Maybe Hot-Guy Friend can be a friend with benefits. Hey, I’m the designer right?

In terms of social life, the designer friends are endless. There is Always-In-The-Mood-For-Late-Nite Friend, Remove-Your-Makeup-If-You’re-Too-Drunk-To-Do-It-Yourself Friend, Watch-Over-Your-Northface-So-It-Doesn’t-Get-Stolen Friend and everyone’s favorite, Rich-And-Pays-For-Cabs friend.

It seems to me that I have plenty of friends that embody certain aspects of designer friends. I can name two that are always up for Late Nite and even more that provide a perfect boy barrier. The problem is that they are inconsistent and not all encompassing. By no means does that mean I can’t go to them for advice or spend a day at Bed Bath ‘ Beyond with them;it just means they aren’t perfect.

Yet what isn’t perfect seems to provide the greatest amount of entertainment. Though it would be nice to have friends that do everything right, I would take friends who lose their clothes at a Radisson Inn bar over perfection any day.

Sarah Shanfield is a sophomore in the College of General Studies.