I was sitting on my couch the other night, settling in and enjoying a drink, when some intriguing news came on the TV. Apparently, the Senate Judiciary Committee (yeah, I don’t know what the hell it is either) has approved a bill to allow illegal immigrants to become U.S. citizens. I actually like the idea. I find it reassuring that the people installing the insulation at my grandparent’s home, cutting my grass, roofing my parent’s house, cleaning my apartment building and picking my fruit are decent Americans, not some freeloading fence hoppers here to suck from the teat of Lady Liberty and pilfer from the wallet of Uncle Sam.

But there’s a catch to this deal. The illegals have to pay a fine, pay taxes, clear a criminal background check, speak English and hold onto a steady job. I thought to myself, “Might as well add the ability to fly.”

Seriously, we’re asking way too much of illegal immigrants wanting to become U.S. citizens. Hell, I’ve been a citizen of this fine country for my entire life and I can only meet one of those requirements, and not very well either. If a good, veteran American like me can’t even meet these lofty prerequisites, how can we to expect “Juan Q. Público” to do it?

In my view, being an American citizen means more than what the Senate wants these illegals to do. To be real citizens, they need to understand the nuances of our culture. That is why I am going to do my civic duty and provide our smuggled friends with a crash course in Americanism. Although it takes years and years to be a Level-5 Amerimaster like yours truly, I’m going to give a few quick and easy tips to our newly naturalized neighbors on how to better fit in with us Northerners.

One way to be like us Average Joes and Janes is to make a few simple changes to your ride. The easiest thing is to put a “God Bless America” bumper sticker on your pickup truck. This will relax even the hardest of xenophobes. Another automobile-related tip is to buy a muffler. I know you guys don’t use them that often, but try to get in the habit of it. It will really help you keep a lower profile.

Now that we’ve got transportation covered, let’s move on to food. Say goodbye to pinto beans and tortillas and say hello to cheeseburgers and fried chicken. If you really want to observe American eating habits, get a job in a restaurant as a dishwasher. That way you can look at the plates and see what people eat and don’t eat. And when you yourself go out to eat, and you feel like you’re not fitting in, just have the waitress put bacon on whatever you’re ordering. Nothing screams “I’m American” more than a plate of spaghetti topped with bacon.

So you’re riding and dining like an American, but do you look like one? It’s time to shed those torn, paint-covered worker’s pants, wife-beater and flannel shirt. But don’t throw them away; they may be fashionable in a year, and you can save some money by not having to buy paint-covered jeans at the mall for $140. For now, go with blue jeans and overpriced sneakers. Then maybe get some retro T-shirts and a few polos. Word to the wise: Even though you’ve probably seen it in magazines and on TV, don’t pop your collar. You’re already going to have it hard enough fitting in; looking like a complete tool isn’t going to help.

Now that you have an American exterior, let’s get to work on the inner American. That means politics. Most issues are up for grabs, so have fun with the less important points of policy, like abortion, Social Security reform, education and wire-tapping. You need to focus on the two biggies: the war and immigration.

If you play the war right, you can easily climb out of the bottom rungs of American society. So get ready — this is a chance to separate yourself from hippies and telemarketers. Now, obviously, you’re for the war. But if people ask why, throw out terms like “freedom,” “democracy” and “We won’t cut and run.” Saying these things shows you know what you’re talking about.

As for immigration, the issue is pretty cut and dry. Once you become an American, you’re going to be vehemently against illegals coming into this country. They’re taking your jobs, wasting your taxes and bringing in their filth and crime. Sure, you used to be one, but that doesn’t really matter anymore. You’re an American now, and by sneaking into this country illegally, you have earned the right to despise people who sneak into this country illegally.

So there you go, my friends. These are just a few easy steps you can take to fit into your new country. Because even though we really don’t want you here, if you at least make an effort to be American, we’ll tolerate your presence.

Brian Fudge, a sophomore in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].