Item: Enrique Iglesias has his mole removed in a pre-cancerous strike.

Lauren: I love him and his knit hats.

Justin: How will he be able to sing without that bad boy? Isn’t the mole what gave him his powers?

Courtney: The mole makes the man. Without it, Ricky Martin will surely dominate the world.

Item: The recent decline in taste and judgment concerning Rolling Stone’s covers.

Courtney: The summer triumverate of Clay Aiken, Ruben ‘Velvet Teddy Bear’ Studdard and the Olsen Twins made me vomit.

Justin: Is it just me or does Clay look like a Chucky doll crossed with k.d. lang?

Lauren: For me, he’s more of a young Barry Manilow.

Courtney: Can we please stay on topic? Clay is clearly the lovechild of an Ewok and Macauley Culkin in Home Alone.

Lauren: I have nothing to say about the Olsen Twins.

Justin: You got it, dude! (Cheesy music swells. We all learn a lesson.)

Item: ‘Saved By the Bell: Seasons 1 ‘ 2’ released on DVD this week.

Lauren: In high school, the lockers aren’t tangerine. And you can’t go in one locker and come out another, like in the chase scenes. That might have been cool.

Courtney: Yeah, ‘SBTB’ manipulated my expectations of high school and the world. Why can’t I call time out while talking on my head-sized cell phone?

Justin: Who did you want to be on ‘SBTB’?

Lauren: I wanted to be Kelly because she was really popular. I related more to Jessie because she ended up in a movie about a stripper.

Courtney: Listen, I just wanted to date A.C. Slater, due to his hammer pants and long, billowing mullet. Plus he was always lifting weights in the hallway, which is so hot.

Justin: I think I wanted to be Zack, minus the two-toned hair.

Lauren: But still with his band, the Zack Attack.

Item: Opening of MTV’s Video Music Awards, in which Madonna got frisky with pop stars Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera.

Lauren: They didn’t even show her kissing Christina A. they just cut to Justin Timberlake, looking all… forlorn. Christina is probably a better kisser, anyway.

Justin: I know! Poor X-tina.

Lauren: She’s too dirrty for MTV.

Courtney: I imagine a Madonna threeway with Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley circa 1993 would’ve been hotter.

Justin: Am I alone in thinking there was a gay marriage subtext to the opening number? I mean, how can you say no to gay marriage when the, ahem, spouses in question are that hot.

Courtney: Again, Hollywood exhibits such a strong political consciousness.

Lauren: And once again, that consciousness originated with Madonna’s agenda.

Justin: You mean vagenda.