I have a rather modest dream. It’s nothing huge. A lot of people would probably roll their eyes, even laugh at me if I told them about it. But it’s my dream and it’s motivated me my entire life. I just want to be a small business owner after I graduate. Find some nice property and set up shop. I don’t like to think about it, but realistically, my small business has no chance against the government monopoly.

I just want to start a Department of Motor Vehicles (or “Registry” as it’s called in Massachusetts). Find a nice place with some parking lots and traffic lights nearby (for the driving tests), hire a small group of loyal, hard-working partners and get my business out there. “Service with a smile.” That’ll be our motto, unless that’s already taken. If it’s taken, it’ll still be our philosophy, anyway. We’ll replace those long lines and surly employees with quick, efficient workers who truly enjoy working for Sartinsky’s Department of Motor Vehicles.

Sure, it would be great. A dream come true, even. But unfortunately, it’s hard to imagine my business being successful when one considers the virtual stranglehold the government has on the Department of Motor Vehicles industry. It is unbelievable that the very government that pledges to protect us with antitrust laws is practicing these kinds of anti-small business measures. What happened to the government watching out for the little guy? What happened to the entrepreneurial spirit? I’ll tell you what’s happening to it. It is continually being crushed under the socialist boot of “Uncle Sam” as he blindly gobbles up dreamers like me to satisfy his voracious, insatiable greed.

Why should there be only one place for people to get their licenses renewed or plates replaced? Since the government handles all this without the guiding force of the free market, they are free to set whatever price and treat the customer in any way they decide is best for them. I say you deserve better! If the government hopes to compete with the friendly service of Sartinsky’s DMV, they had better get their act together and fast. Fail a driver’s test? We’ll give you another try any time you want! No appointments needed! Want an obscenity for your vanity plates? For a small “vulgarity surcharge,” we’ll give you that innuendo the bigwigs in Washington don’t think you deserve.

You know what else we’re going to have? Clowns. Yup. Three of them. I just want to provide the customer with a premium service. Maybe we’ll charge a little more than the government. I’m going to try to keep prices as low as possible. I’ll sleep in the back room if I have to. But when you have pockets as deep as the government’s, you can slash your prices to stomp on any entrepreneurs who move onto your turf. That’s to be expected.

But I promise that if our prices are a little higher, I’ll make sure it’s worth the extra cost to you. You know about the service with a smile and you know about the clowns. But I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure your experience at Sartinsky’s Department of Motor Vehicles is the best Department of Motor Vehicles experience you’ll ever have. Think the prices are too steep? Tell us. I’ll buy you lunch! I’ll wash your car! I’ll drive you around for a week! Whatever it takes to make sure you recommend us to your friends. That’s the kind of word of mouth we small business owners depend on.

You know what else I’m going to put in? A waterslide. It’ll be sick.

I know what you’re thinking. “Sure, you make a lot of nice promises, but do you really have the resources to compete with the big guys?” Well you know what? I don’t have the resources to compete with Big Government. But I do have one thing the big guys don’t. Passion. The passion for providing top-notch Department of Motor Vehicles service. I want to renew your license. I want to settle your parking tickets. I want to administer your driving test. I eat, sleep and breathe Department of Motor Vehicles. To compete with Uncle Sam, I have to go the extra mile to make sure I keep the consumers satisfied so you keep coming back. And I’ll enjoy it! I’ll work all day, seven days a week! That’s how much I want to be the person who provides you with all your Department of Motor Vehicles services. It might not have all the flash and pizzazz of the Departments of Motor Vehicles you’re familiar with, but I promise you that Sartinsky’s Department of Motor Vehicles will provide you the best Department of Motor Vehicles experience you’ll ever have.

That, and mini golf. Yeah that’s right. Mini golf. Beat that, government.