It’s fairly obvious that Halloween is the greatest holiday of the year. It’s common knowledge that zombies and vampires are much cooler than civil rights activists, giant bunnies who give out colored eggs and Messiahs (sorry Jesus). But what if life’s commitments have stopped you from getting a costume together? Today is Halloween, and you need some sort of costume or mask to hide your true identity as you beat up small children for their candy (wouldn’t want them identifying you). Fear not, for all you have to do is open a newspaper, and a costume idea is bound to pop out at you with a frightening ‘boo!’
That’s right, ‘the news’ is what truly strikes fear into the hearts of Americans these days. Witches may have been scary in these parts circa 1692, but today the only thing causing mass panic is the image of Rush Limbaugh greedily inhaling pain pills. Personally, I’m not sure which is more frightening (Though I am afraid in a drugged up stupor Rush may mistake me for a pill and swallow me whole. Apparently, so is the rest of the U.S. population).
So really, you have no choice but to use the media as an inspiration for a truly frightening costume. This can be a bit tough, with so much frightening information circulating around that it may be tough to focus. So read on for some ideas that I’ve come up with for the perfect, so-scary-it’s-vomit-inducing Halloween costume.
The first costume idea seems like a classic at first, but that’s when you sucker punch other partygoers or ‘trick-or-treaters’ with a little ‘Shock and Awe.’ First, you’ll need a few rolls of toilet paper, easily obtained at any grocery store. Next, you’ll need a full bucket of gasoline. Last, a book of matches or a lighter.
Preparation is simple: you wrap your limbs, torso and head up in the toilet paper as if you were dressing like a mummy. This will surely get the a reaction such as, ‘A mummy? How original of you!’ That’s when you pull out the big guns. You douse yourself in gasoline (the bucket is necessary for quick pouring), and go ahead and light yourself on fire. Your friends may think you’re just some crazy fool, until you reveal what you’re really dressed as when you scream, ‘Look at me! I’m the state of California!’
The general reaction should be of extreme horror, especially if anyone from California witnesses this. However, it’s been brought to my attention that some people may be ‘offended’ by you ‘mocking’ a dire situation, not truly understanding that you want to express the terror the way it has been expressed on CNN for the past 36 straight hours.
That’s when you pull out Plan B. First, make sure that everyone knows you were ‘just kidding’ about the California remark. Really. Then scream out, ‘I’m really a solar flare set to possibly disrupt all electronic devices within the next 24 hours!’ If you still have the energy, kicking straight through a TV screen and smashing other electronic devises such as blenders, microwaves and computers would help illustrate the point. Then just sit back and watch the looks of fear on their faces before you black out.
Setting yourself ablaze may not be your cup of tea though, whether it’s because you don’t like being hot or you’re worried about future skin problems. You could always just don a surgical mask and carry around a couple handfuls of raw meat. When people ask about the mask, explain that you’re not so much afraid of SARS, but would feel terrible if you gave it to anyone else. Watch them turn as white as ghosts. Then, bite into the raw beef and say, ‘This discounted Mad Cow meat sure is tasty!’ The next thing you’ll hear is the sound of doors slamming and duct tape being torn from its roll, sealing you inside of wherever you are, as you nod your head relishing in the fact that you scared ’em good.
The possibilities are truly endless when it comes to bringing a frightening reality to a holiday where mythical imps and demons rule. Cable news is trying to remind you of the horrors that lie in wait around every corner. Halloween has lost its true meaning that of scaring of evil spirits who want to ravage your body and mind and become all about candy. Well, with the help of the media, you can put true fear back in the holiday today!
If cable news channels could join forces with Halloween, people would truly live the only way they should in fear! A new holiday would be born, called Newsoween, the most feared day known to man. True fear would be seen on Newsoween, where instead of receiving candy, small children go out with the hopes to scare people into locking their doors and watching their news station of choice for the latest updates on the horrid events of the day. So get a head start and design your last minute costume with that idea in mind. Also, make sure you have some medical insurance I hear skin grafts are rather expensive these days.
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. His email is quintinmarcelino @hotmail.com.