As I write this, I am doing laundry, talking on the phone, baking cookies, yearning to find love in all the right places, running a marathon, playing the theme from Mission: Impossible on a xylophone, all while keeping 75 basketballs in a constant spinning motion on the top of metal rods. Oh God, number 23 is slowing down. Excuse me.

That was close. How can I do all this? Because I’m a multi-tasker, baby! You’re probably wondering, ‘Seth, how do you have so many hands as to multi-task so successfully?’ I’m glad you asked; and, by the way, I love your Scottish brogue. Just as squid eventually developed explosive ink as a protective device, I have cultivated 40,000 extra hands to further my multi-tasking capabilities. And you thought it was only farmers who cultivated … hands … farmhands. Hah, that’s rich. In addition to my 40,000th hand, I also have one invisible hand that is responsible for economic growth.

Another one of you may also be asking, ‘Seth, where do you hide all those hands because I have never seen a 40,000-handed man, and, if I did, wouldn’t you think I would remember seeing one?’ Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting a two-part question, and I find your Barbara Walters-like prying a bit rude. But since my medication is beginning to kick in, I’ll come clean. I’m a compulsive liar, but only on the subjects of hand growing … and successful multi-tasking. Isn’t it weird the way they merge so brilliantly?

The truth is I’m in denial. I’m a ‘single-tasker.’ By definition, I can only do one thing at a time because I succumb to the pressures of, um, doing more than one thing at a time. I cower in the eyes of the multi-task god. I mean, have you ever met him? He is so intimidating always doin’ stuff. Some may say that because I focus a lot of attention on one thing that that makes me extremely thorough, and I would agree if they were right. I know, however, that my problem with multi-tasking comes from a mix of stupidity, nervousness and fear of embarrassment. Pardon the slow descent into sadness, for the medication I am on is a real downer.

At first, my inability to multi-task didn’t bother me all that much, even though I developed a little slower than the other kids. So what, that when I was 16, I didn’t find it necessary to focus on both eating paste and potty training? Was I slow to develop? Yes. Lacking brilliance? No. Have you seen me go to the bathroom? It’s something special, let me tell ya. Fireworks go off. Now that I am beginning to think about going into the work force, however, I’m starting to realize that nobody wants a single-tasker. Whatever happened to quality over quantity; the social utility of one great phone conversation over the ability to put multiple people on hold and the feeling that being a monogamist was a special gift that only a polygamist could hope for? Yes, that last question made perfect sense. I swear. Keep reading or I’ll kill you.

Everywhere I look, people like me upper-middle class white males with an affinity toward single-tasking are being discriminated against in the workforce. Every job notice reads something like this: ‘Needed a custodial aficionado for a nursing home. Would like the applicant to be extremely personable, with a flair for multi-tasking.’ You know, I could have done some really great things for that nursing home. I love old people!

How about this one: ‘Needed plumber. Would like a tall male who looks like Denzel Washington, with the ability to multi-task…’ I was so close, but after seeing ‘multi-task,’ I didn’t even continue.

Or, there was this posting that both broke my heart and confirmed my claims of discrimination: ‘Needed multi-tasker.’

After looking around endlessly for jobs, I realized that there is only one for which I am qualified: brain surgeon. It’s simple and to the point. Everyone always degrades a simple task by saying, ‘Hey, it isn’t brain surgery.’ Well, this time it is. Who would have thought that being some sort of doctor was the answer to all of my problems? This is going to be so easy. Also, a brain doctor has to be, hands down, the simplest type of doctor. Ear, nose and throat doctors have way too much going on.

I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Seth, in order to be a brain surgeon you are going to have to go through at least one extra year of college, in which you will have to multi-task a little more than you think.’ And, by the way, I love that you think in that beautiful Swedish accent (the medication is wearing off as I am slowly beginning to sprout some hands). But you’re right, I’m in multi-task denial. This 12-step program I’m on just isn’t working. I’m going to have to quit single-tasking cold turkey. From this day forth, I will try to multi-task all the time. I am going to start right now, for as I type, I am making a nice steaming pot of Robitussin, er, I mean tea. Oh God, did I say Robitussin? The strain on my brain is affecting me already. Got to end this column. Phone ringing! Oh God! I’m so nervous. Too many things. Got to make tea. Got to type. Got to answer the phone. Tea kettle whistling. Must multi-task. Must try. Be strong, Seth. Be Str … Oh, God ..

HASPJHS2222222222222222222222222.

Seth Reiss, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.