Item: The producers of ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ are planning a one-hour special called ‘Straight Eye for the Queer Guy,’ in which five straight men will tutor one gay guy on how to act more straight.
Robert: Finally! One damn episode where Carson isn’t wearing a blouse. Justin: He better stay true to his roots and keep his Mrs. Brady flip ‘do. Robert: At least they’ll save some money, trading foie gras for pork rinds. Justin: Do you think they’ll beat up the guy if he can’t do it right? Mai: No, but they will continue to slap each other’s asses. Lauren: When will NBC realize we’re all inherently bisexual and just give everyone track suits? Courtney: And then, we’ll all particiapte in one happy, beautiful, bisexual breakdance. Neat.
Item: A steamy sex video featuring 22-year-old Paris Hilton and Shannen Doherty’s on-again, off-again husband Rick Solomon could surface on the internet soon.
Robert: Paris can never use the excuse, ‘I was young! I just needed the money!’ Justin: I hope we get to see Paris go all Heart-style and make a sordid video with her sis, Nicky. Robert: Ooh, barracuda! Mai: Paris could make a killing on the internet she certainly has the body of a minor. Lauren: I feel like this is leading up to a Beverly Hills showdown, in which pale-ass Shannen bitchslaps Paris from beneath a parasol. Robert: I picture them wrestling outside of the Viper Room in g-strings, like on E!’s ‘Celebrities Uncensored.’ Courtney: When I turn 22 next year, I’ll be smart enough to never let my sex video with one of Shannen Doherty’s ex-husbands surface on the internet. Justin: Yeah, but what about that steamy vid you already made with ‘90210’s’ Gabrielle Carteris?
Item: Courtroom testimony revealed that Rosie O’Donnell once told a former Rosie magazine employee and a cancer survivor that ‘liars get cancer.’
Justin: The scary asymmetrical hair made her say it! Courtney: Or her severely bipolar personality. Mai: I think John McDee made her say it. Robert: Liars may get cancer, but mean, washed-up talk show hosts lose in court. Lauren: Unless, of course, she hides Tickle-Me-Elmo boxes underneath the jury bench. Robert: The fact that she launched Koosh Balls at the judge from the witness stand couldn’t have helped.
Item: Christian Slater’s wife, Ryan Haddon, was arrested for battery domestic violence after allegedly throwing a glass at her husband’s head. Slater was taken to the hospital, where he received 20 stitches.
Robert: He should’ve just married Liza Minelli and gotten some money with his head injury. Justin: He’s about 15 facelifts away from being Minelli marriage material. Mai: As he received violent blows to the head, Slater exclaimed, ‘Please! Just spare my beautiful, Bop magazine cover face.’
Item: Catherine Zeta-Jones is mad over reports that she’s used the Atkins diet to shed pounds.
Justin: I think she’s lying. She gets lots of meat from her Geriatric Kielbasa Diet. Robert: She’s invented her own diet: Intolerable Croutons. Mai: America’s SweetTarts. Robert: Chicago … style pizza. Lauren: Entrap-mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Courtney: High Fi-ber-delity.
Item: Alan Thicke, also known as Dr. Seaver from TV’s ‘Growing Pains,’ was rudely shoved back by one of P. Diddy’s bodyguards when Thicke tried to approach the rapper.
Mai: (sings) Show me that shiner, ooh, show me that shiner… Courtney: Don’t they know who he is? Robert: He went from ‘Thicke of the Night’ to thick of the right hook. Courtney: And then Kirk Cameron appeared and took Diddy’s goons down Seaver-style. Mai: And then D.J. from ‘Full House’ appeared and realized she was on the wrong set. Courtney: You guys, didn’t Tracey Gold have bulimia?
