I am reporting from sunny Los Angeles (which is Spanish for The Angeles), where the writers’ strike is now more than a few days old. As of right now, everyone’s favorite TV shows are dark. No new episodes have been written because, well, the writers aren’t working. And while this may be a boon to shows like Saturday Night Live, other shows have halted production, with no end to the strike in sight.
Therefore, I feel that it is my duty as an American (I am not technically American) to step up to the plate and declare to the Hollywood Mecca that it should not fear, for today dawns the beginning of my screenwriting career.
The above rhyme should suffice to show that I am really, really ridiculously good at writing stuff.
As such, I’d like to present a literal smorgasbord of ideas I would implement on the different shows available on TV should I become their auteur. These proposals are, of course, subject to amendment. But, much like God realized that he could never improve on the monkey, I doubt anyone will find anything to change in these shows. And we’ll start with if not the most popular show, at least the most respected one.
Although I went to Cornell, I am not Jewish. Therefore, I can’t write for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It’s best to move on.
Penning Grey’s Anatomy requires two things. One: A whiteboard sans eraser listing all the characters’ names, along with a magic marker with which I can draw all manner of arrows from one to another (the more the better!). And two: The ability to dream up ridiculous medical scenarios. Like, what if a guy had a bomb in his chest, and someone somehow had her hand on the detonator and couldn’t let go or else kablooie. On second thought, that’s too ludicrous. They’d never go for that.
How would I have ended The Sopranos? More bada-bing, less bada-nada. The task of writing Lost can be outsourced to my peyote growers in Mexico. And Law and Order? I’ve spent the past three months reading roughly a billion pages of legal cases. Everything from the case of the guy who prays that his buddy win the lottery and then demands a cut (lo and behold, the buddy actually wins the lottery) to the immortal Zombies v. Ninjas, would be fair game for the show.
Lastly, this season of The Office has been characterized by some as uneven. My theory is that they made a mistake by finally getting Jim and Pam together. The main conflict, therefore, has been negated, and we no longer feel that same draw to see whether PB’J finally — to put it elegantly — are ever going to get freaky wit’ each other. The solution? The introduction of a dashing, handsome Latino for whom the word “boyfriend” is synonymous with “obstacle.” And, like Andy Bernard, I also went to Cornell.
A chance at Pam and an a capella-off with Andy? I’m liking this job more than I thought.
Carlos Maycotte, a first-year student in the School of Law, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].