Our university is in a shambles. In fact, it’s become downright un-American. Lately a walk down Commonwealth Avenue could easily be confused with a trip to some oppressive third world regime, replete with crater-size pits in the sidewalk and a ravenous population of rats that lost their accommodations beneath the Armory.
Over on Bay State Road, Chancellor John Silber is running the university with an iron fist that would make any third-world dictator proud. Just look at the efficiency with which he makes his opponents disappear. Former President Jon Westling? Poof! Trustees Chairman Richard DeWolfe? So long, pal. Our chancellor’s not too keen on criticism these days.
These un-American activities continue on the west end of campus, as strange foreign sports have slowly crept their way into our community, replacing sacred American pastimes. Our homecoming game is played with a soccer ball. What’s next, tea and crumpets at the concession stands? And our flagship sport is played indoors, on a big pool of frozen water. Give me a break! What’s a college sport without cheerleaders and halftime shows? Take your damn pucks and go back to Canada and take Celine Dion with you.
Luckily, there’s hope. The answer to all of our campus’ problems is just a few pigskins away. Yes folks, all Boston University needs is a little football that holy bastion of American spirit and tradition. What better way to unite our campus and inspire alumni than 11 guys battling it out on the gridiron every Saturday?
The last thing the administration wants to do now is spend more money, and in the midst of Silber’s current budget cuts and hiring freeze, it might be hard to argue for a large increase in the athletic budget. But football is exactly what BU needs to combat its dwindling endowment fund and lack of campus unity.
As students head home for Thanksgiving this week, there are two things that almost all of us will partake in: eating turkey and watching football. If the sport can bring an entire country together, imagine what it could do for BU (turkey dinners might also unite the campus, but to be fair, let’s include the vegetarians and stick with football).
I can see it now. School of Management girls and College of Engineering boys, putting down their cell phones and calculators and coming together in the stands of Nickerson Field to cheer on the Terrier football squad. It’d be a magical sight, and would make us proud to be Boston University students.
And now, as Chairman of the Board of Trustees Richard DeWolfe steps down, there’s an excellent opportunity to bring football back to BU. The likely successor to DeWolfe’s position is current BU board member and CEO of John Hancock Financial Services David D’Alessandro, a multimillionaire and sports enthusiast.
If D’Alessandro is appointed chairman of the BU board, he’d be the most likely candidate in years to support bringing football back to the university. He’s already led John Hancock to donate $20 million for BU’s Student Village project, and earlier this year, he gave $250,000 of his own money to build a new football stadium at his alma mater high school in Utica, N.Y. His office is decorated with Michael Jordan’s shoes and Muhammad Ali’s boxing gloves, and he’s made John Hancock a major sponsor of events like the Olympics and the Boston Marathon.
Surely a sports fan like D’Alessandro won’t stand to be chairman of a university that doesn’t have at least some semblance of a football team. And with his deep pockets and decision-making powers at John Hancock, he’s just the man to stand up to Silber and bring football back to BU.
Since D’Alessandro has a penchant for putting his company’s name on things, we can reward his donations to a university football squad with a bevy of new John Hancock structures around campus. Future BU tour guides will lead prospective students through the new John Hancock Student Village, across the street to John Hancock Stadium, which will be just behind the re-christened John Hancock West Campus Dormitories.
Hell, we can even drop the whole Terrier thing. Nobody really likes Rhett that much anyway. We’ll rename our teams the Boston University Fightin’ Hancocks, and develop a fierce rivalry with the University of South Carolina Gamecocks, battling for the title of Supreme Cock each year at the Financial Services Bowl.
And the fun doesn’t stop there. Besides uniting the campus and providing ample sponsorship opportunities for our new corporate friends, the renewal of football at BU is one of the few decisions that might actually spur an increase in alumni donations to the university.
I attended the annual Harvard-Yale football game Saturday and was shocked by the number of alumni who had made their way to Harvard just to attend the event. Wealthy alumni were packed into the stadium amongst raucous young student fans. The freezing temperatures and poor talent on the field didn’t seem to keep anyone anyway, as the Ivy League fans rejoiced in tailgate parties in the parking lot for hours before and after the game.
When alumni come back to campus, they bring their checkbooks with them. And just like James Earl Jones said in Field of Dreams, if BU builds a football program, the alumni will come. The quality of the team wouldn’t even matter. With a few beers and a bitchin’ tailgate party, I bet BU alums Tipper Gore and Bill O’Reilly might be good for a few million apiece. Maybe even COM grad Howard Stern would throw down some bills while ogling cheerleaders at the halftime show.
Boston University needs football, because our endowment fund is dwindling and because our campus just isn’t feeling very American anymore. Hockey, soccer and basketball are all great but nothing compares to football when it comes to inspiring fans. While the cost of a pigskin program may be large, it’s an expense the university should agree to, as it’s a surefire way to rekindle the campus spirit. So here’s Challah Back’s endorsement of David D’Alessandro for chairman of the board. Go Fightin’ Hancocks!