Writer’s Block

This column should be dedicated to “The Top Ten Reasons Why Grant Myers Should Be Disemboweled and Hurled off the Roof of The Daily Free Press (along with the old, falling-apart copier, the broken computer screens and the printer that won’t print).

However by insulting the “man-crazy hoochie,” Grant “I-will-live-in-Warren-Forever” Myers did give this (“tapped-like-a-keg-at-a-frat-party-after-the-cops-have-arrived-and-you-are-drunkenly-fumbling-for-your-silken-Victoria’s-Secret-panties-in-the-hall-closet-of-the-TEP-house”) columnist some fodder for the Thursday column. By the way, Grant … fodder? Thank you very much, Mr. Palomino Myers.

I could metaphorically murder Grant in my column today, but I am saving him for my Uncle Guido’s classic blunt object, trash bags and dumpster in the North End. Instead I am going to offer him and the other clueless boys of the world some much needed end-of-the-semester lady advice from BU’s resident man-eater.

For the amateur dater, the first date can seem a daunting and fearsome undertaking. Many guys I know have likened the embarrassment and anguish of first dates to the feeling one would have if you wrapped your naked body in maximum-strength duct tape and were then forced to remove it piece-by-painful-piece while on the stage of the Tsai Center during a concert by the Boston University Symphonic Chorus; the addition of undergraduate vocalists make this torture cruel as well as unusual. Simply following the man-eater’s Dating for Dummies rules can avert this pain.

Picking up your date:

1) Bikes, inline skates and Razor Scooters are not acceptable forms of transportation.

2) Hold the door. Allowing it to slam on a girl’s nose is not the way to start a date.

3) Be warned that if you are required to go the emergency room before the date actually begins, as romantic as sutures, rectal probes and Code Blue are, the evening probably will not go well.

During dinner:

1) The minute you start talking about baseball, football or your deep admiration for Denise Richard’s acting skills in Wild Things is the same minute that we stop listening and start mentally undressing the bartender … or the waiter … or the octogenarian sitting at the table next to us. Even desiccated old men are more attractive than sports fans that don’t know when the game is over.

2) On the sports theme, leaving us at the table to check the score of the football game will not score you points. Even if the ghosts of BU Football were suddenly resurrected onto Nickerson Field to join Rhett the Terrier and men’s lacrosse in a team effort to beat senselessly the we-had-Tom-Coughlin-and-Flutie-so-aren’t-we-cool BC Eagles, you still should not leave us alone to endure the glances of sympathetic 40-year-old bridge-playing divorcees. (Note: My roommate’s boyfriend left her at the table during their two-month anniversary dinner to spend the night in the bar cheering for Northwestern. She went home with a waiter named Chad; they now have four children which do not enjoy football.)

3) Don’t bail out. No matter how bad it is, if you like this girl, you should stick it out. Feigning an asthma attack to cover for the crash-and-burn tendencies of the evening will get you no where fast. (Even if you get carded for the drinks, have your fake ID shredded and both end up in jail where you get strip-searched by a disgruntled ex-postal employee policewoman named Butch, you still shouldn’t bail: Butch might be single.)

4) When a girl offers a compliment, just say thanks. Please know that she rarely means “I like your shirt” when she says “I like your shirt.” She is just fishing for a stellar return compliment. Take the bait and share your astonishment at the gleam of her gem-like eyes, etc. Don’t tell her the detailed story of how your mother picked out this shirt especially for you and sent it airmail along with chocolate chip cookies and white briefs. Probably best not to mention your mother at all.

After Dinner:

Don’t go to a movie. Movie selection is a grueling and painful process suitable only for advanced couples where communicating skills are no longer necessary. However, if you can tell by the way that your girlfriend blinks her eyes twice and twitches that she wants butter on her popcorn (but not salt) then maybe you are in the type of relationship that is ready for the cinema experience. But on a first date, it is not worth three hours and $18 to watch a mutually agreed upon movie neither body actually wanted to see.

1) Other possible places that may prove painful for post-dinner activities: anywhere that has blinking neon lights, lasers or video games (this includes dorm rooms where playing Bond or Red Alert is a nightly ritual); any place that has tickets that you can trade in at the end of the night for prizes; miniature golf.

2) Post-date kissing: no rules apply, but understand there are some exceptions, where kissing is absolutely necessary…

Exception 1: If you are with an editor at the DFP who happens to be selecting the columns for next semester.

Exception 2: If you are the hero of we novice starry-eyed columnists — Jesse Broder Van Dyke — please remember to kiss Grant. It obviously means a lot to him.