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Spreading the naked pillow fighting frenzy

A few people have approached me with an interesting question: What is a naked pillow fight (the name of my wildly imaginative column)? Have any of you ever seen the movie Animal House? Then you’ve already seen a naked pillow fight in action. The name is a bit misleading, I admit, but the concept is something that every college girl should try.

In the movie, the horny fraternity boys from Animal House decide to peep through a sorority house window by using a ladder that no one seems to notice to stare in through an open window. What do they see? A bunch of sorority girls sitting in their lingerie, probably chatting about global politics or which nail polish color goes best with tweed.

All of a sudden, the girls pick up their pillows and began what I have dubbed a Naked Pillow Fight. They shriek and giggle and toss the pillows around, carelessly exposing themselves (SURPRISE!) to the anxious men on the ladder.

Since that movie, the naked pillow fight has become a college tradition (but I wouldn’t trust lingerie to the Boston University washing machines). And the last time I sat around discussing politics in my lingerie, there was at least one senator present.

I actually turned down several colleges when I found out that the admission officers didn’t know what a naked pillow fight was.

“Does your student body often partake in the naked pillow fight?”

“A what?”

“A naked pillow fight!”

“Please leave the campus before we poke you in the eye with a stick.” (I showed that admissions officer from Harvard. I stole her Marvin the Martian key chain before she could bite down hard enough to completely sever my finger. I’m never allowed back. So you see why I chose BU.)

I have yet to participate in a naked pillow fight, but I imagine I will soon. With Bush in office I’ve got a lot of pent up aggression that can only be channeled with a pillow in one hand and a chunk of some girl’s hair in the other.

It’s my belief that if everyone, not just the college female, could have a naked pillow fight from time to time, the world would be a much better place. Think about it, there would be less violence on the street. We could hold a pillows-for-guns exchange wherein a person would bring his gun to the local college and exchange it for a fighting pillow of his choice. It’s a win-win situation.

While a pillow can be harmless and quite comfortable, but in the wrong hands it can become a weapon. That’s why we must set up a nationwide organization for the monitoring of these naked pillow fights called People Expressing Emotions Personally, or PEEP, for example. The committee would make sure that only flimsy pillows like the kind used in Animal House are purchased so that after a few soft taps they burst open, sprinkling the room with fun. It’s all fun and games until the one of the fraternity guys fall off the ladder.

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