Hi! I’m Jimmy, “The President’s Host Who Keeps Forgetting to Lie!” I’ll be your tour guide today.
“I’m a senior, majoring in History in the College of Arts and Sciences. I’m originally from Long Island, New York.”
“Welcome to Boston University and the Office of Admissions. I would like to point out that I am a volunteer for the University.” I’m supposed to say that I’m giving this tour because I love BU, but really I just wanted to put it on my resume. Oops! I mean, go BU!
The statements I’m required to say appear in handy quotation marks (which are real quotes from the Office of Admission’s website). But for some reason, I just keep forgetting to lie! Call me old fashioned, but I still believe that prospective students and their prospectively broke parents deserve to know the honest truth about this place before they go ahead and buy nine cars for John Silber, err, I mean “pay tuition.” Maybe it’s the drugs I started using after coming to college. Oops! I forgot to lie! You get the idea. Let’s begin.
“This is Bay State Road. Boston University owns 90 percent of the residences on this street lining the beautiful Charles.” I’m not sure why they take students here, because you will probably never live here, unless you make friends with a senior. Or are an athlete. Or your last name is “Westling.”
Pre-Frosh: My last name is Whistling.
Jimmy: Then it’s Warren Towers for you, Mikey. Did you know that Warren is “the second largest non-military residence in the country?” So it’s just like being enlisted, except that you probably won’t get shot! Oops! I mean, “It’s a great place to live.” Your room will be seven feet wide, and you can’t sign in guests after midnight.
But don’t worry, “Food can be delivered to the fourth-floor lobby, so you don’t even have to leave the building for take-out!” Although it takes 20 minutes to ride the elevators up and down, at least you don’t have to get cold. That’s actually the slogan of the building: Warren Towers — At least it’s got heat!
By the way, if you think I smell bad, it’s only because I can’t shower for longer than 20 seconds without scalding hot water burning my fragile skin whenever somebody 10 floors below me takes a dump.
“RAs, or Resident Assistants, live in each residence. They organize events that get everyone together.” Nothing says unity quite like a BU RA. Keep in mind that if your helpful RA should ever smell the pot in your room, the Office of Residence Life can kick you out of housing and keep all of your money. Even if they never prove that you were actually taking the pot.
Mikey’s Mom: Wow, that sounds like a bad investment.
Jimmy: Oops! No, um, you’re wrong. “All of the large residences have lounges where students can get together or just relax and watch television.” Meaning, fuzzy reception of PAX and possibly the Home Shopping Network. Oh, did they forget to mention that there is no cable in the regular tour? Oops! Um, look, “there’s the dining room over there.”
Mikey: How’s the food?
Jimmy: Repetitive and sickening. I mean, “The food here is good.”
Look out there. That’s the College of Communication. “Students who aren’t in the College can still get involved: I am in the College of Arts and Sciences, for example, but I had a radio show my sophomore year,” which not a single person could listen to!
Mikey: Then what’s that antenna for?
Jimmy: Since it hasn’t been used for broadcasting for several decades, I assume it’s only there to trick prospective freshmen into believing that BU has a real radio station. Oops! I really suck at this!
Over there, that’s Fenway Park. You will always know when there is a game going on, because BU will fill up their parking lots for $12 a pop, instead of saving the spaces for people who pay by the semester.
Mikey: I can always use the T, right?
Jimmy: Sure, as long as your social life doesn’t extend past 12:30 a.m. Let’s give it a ride.
Here we are between the George Sherman Union and the BU Academy. See this BU Police Department officer stopping traffic so we can cross? Well, he’s only here when tours are visiting and during Parents’ Weekends, because the rest of the year he’s too busy arresting students for drinking. Boy, the irony sure is bitter every time a student gets nailed by traffic, which happens almost every year. Did I forget to say oops?
Any final questions before we go home?
Mikey: With all these students, will I feel like a number?
Jimmy: “Well, even though all students carry a Terrier Card with a random number, you won’t feel like a number in your classes, in dealing with administrative offices or while working with your professors.”
Honest.
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